The Love that Dare Not Speak It's Name: Todd and Viki

Okay, I know that it's sick but I can't get over it. I am in love with Todd and Viki. Yeah, it's not sexual as they're siblings and that's gross but, hey, why not go for the flashy headline, huh? Why not? It's the internet and I can be as sick as I want!! Besides, it's Spring Break and debauchery abounds. Bring on the smut!!

I just read a SOD piece with Erika Slezak- winner of coolest broad ever in daytime, in my contest that had one judge and no other contestants.  Anyway, she said about her onscreen brother, "Can I tell you how much I love that man", and then waxes poetic about him for a good paragraph.  As a devout follower of any directive Slezak gives me, that makes me love him, too. Even though I'm often on the fence with the Dude,  if Slezak tells me to love him, I love him. But I have to admit that it's her unmitigated affection onscreen that makes them work and I can't wait for a Todd and Viki scene. It's Must See TV!! Or Must See Hulu, or whatever.

 I swear to God, there's nothing better than some good Todd and Viki.  Actually, it's any Todd and Viki as they're never bad.  I could watch these two all day. Give me a nonstop Todd and Viki channel and I'm glued to my set....or computer...or whatever.  Sure, I love Viki with everyone. Todd, not as much as GH has proven.  I love him with the OLTL gang but I couldn't stomach him with anyone on GH as he seemed like the Energizer Bunny, bouncing off the walls, and they seemed confused.  But Viki makes him slow down, as does Blair, and Nora matches him every time. I love that!!

But I digress.  Viki is wonderful even when she's in the background. But with Todd, man, the chick just beams.  I've been sure of her adoration for years but I love to see it in print. The broad's in love. She's got it bad. And I, for one, couldn't be happier for her. She's a Howarth Hag, in your face, out of the closet, and she's feeling the love for her boy!

You go, Erika, make it work for you!! Let the world feel your lovin' heart and if it's wrong, I don't want to be right.

I can see it now. It's a late afternoon in the Prospect Park studio. Erika has just finished her scene with whoever and is ready to leave. We all know, she ain't working the late nights. She's out and home for dinner. At any rate, she's getting her coat on and there's a knock on her door. It's Howarth. He's desperate. He needs her. He wants her. He can't live without her. He's sobbing in her embrace as he whines about Valentini trying to force him back to that cesspool. He won't go, he says, he has to stay with his girl. He won't be forced to deal with that Wright woman anymore. It's Erika or nothing.

Okay, I have to stop laughing as I can't type as my body is shaking.

I know this is bullshit but going on and on about their love affair amuses the crap out of me. I often make up scenarios about them making out in the parking lot and then go on and on about it. I find it too funny for words. I know they're not having an affair but making their affection physical is so silly, it's entertaining. And, who knows, it could be true. I don't know these people. Just sayin'....

But, here's something I do know. I love these two acting together as it's obvious they do, as well. There's a real affection that comes across and a feeling that it's real. It probably is but I buy them as Todd and Viki. I buy that she loves this lunatic, in spite of everything. And the smiles they give one another makes me feel good. You see, I want a Viki. I want a sister who's strong and kind and wonderful and won't turn her back on me for her own selfish purposes. Who wouldn't want that?

I have no interest in having a Todd as it's fun to watch but a nightmare to live. Trust me. But I could take a few minutes of Viki in my life. And seeing her be there for this headcase only makes her more lovable.  She brings out the best in Howarth. I don't care what anyone says. I've seen him good, I've seen him bad, and I've seen him horrible. And then there's him with Slezak. It's a whole other level. It's true. That's the only word for it and I'm giving her all the credit. She's his fucking muse. Watch this:

Now that's some good stuff. I don't dig seeing him try to cry but with Slezak around, it's okay. She's the best!!

So, I'm pysched. I'm excited about a lot of things but seeing these crazy kids fall all over one another again is worth the wait. I expect a full fledged breakdown when Viki relents and admits she missed him while he was in exile. That should be worth it. And you know that she ain't letting him out of her sight again.

I half expect him to move into her dressing room so they can have milk and cookies while she strokes his hair and tells him everything will be okay. Okay, I have to stop doing this now........

Hey, that's my story. I'm sticking to it. And I don't care if it's wrong when it feels so right.

Rock, Meet Hard Place: Frank Valentini Feels The Cruel Reality of Copyright Law

I never ever ever ever thought I'd use my now defunct law school education to apply to criticism. But here we are. The Hundred Grand was worth it, Kids!! Actually, I only went to law school because my boss told me to finish my PhD or do something else. I opted for the "something else". Law school was easier.

At any rate, I loved Constitutional Law and Intellectual Property, as I was a media professor already. So, here we are. My worlds all colliding and exploding in Valentini's face. Suck it, Frank! You took our characters, we take yours.  There's a beauty in this. Just when he thought it was safe to go back in the water, the copyright laws bite him in the ass. Think of PP as a giant shark and every time Valentini comes up for air, they bite him in the ass and pull him under. He's fighting, bleeding, but it's not a fair fight. He needs to let go. He's against a superior force- the Legal System. And he's nothing but fish food now, ready to be eaten alive. And I'll bet he tastes fine.

Take that, Douchebag!! OOPS. That's not professional and isn't appropriate. I'm supposed to be like a law professor right now, not a pissed off blogger. How about "You lose, Sir, you lose. Move on to your next venture"?  That's dull.  But so is most of the law.

Let's make sure everyone knows what I mean. Frankie didn't own his three OLTL characters. In actuality, ABC owned them but they leased them to PP for a period of time. That means that the copyrights, or all rights to anything related to OLTL at all, belongs in total to PP for their leasehold. Now, if they violated that lease or breached a contract, those rights would revert back to ABC. This was what Valentini was banking on. And he was wrong.

Don't go to Vegas, Baby, you're a loser on bets. You see Frank got ABC to lease the three characters back from PP for a period. A very finite period. Then, in his mind, PP would default on the deal and ABC would have them all back and he'd have his show back, just call it GH. But, alas, Poor Yorick, didn't happen. PP stepped up, made it work, and told Frank his time was up. They wanted the characters back and any fuckery beyond the contract period would have to be approved. Thus, you got the lamest endings ever in soap history.

Starr runs off to LA because Langston needs her. Why? We don't know. Todd gets two odd calls from a kid he hardly knows and cares about less, by what we saw, and takes off to the town he ran away from, for no apparent reason. Except that he's "never coming back"....yeah, okay, Roger, I mean Todd. And John gets called back by the Feds. Why? We don't know.

The end. Goodbye. It's over. And Nimnut's sex scenes get pulled. He had all these romantic moments planned and tearful goodbyes for McBam and Codd and even the mags were recapping them and then....and then...and then....

Nothing. Nada. Not a crumb.

That's gotta hurt. Okay, it's obvious. PP stepped in and said, "Not so fast, Nimnuts". They put the kibosh on the goodbyes. They put the kibosh on it all. They exited everyone stage whatever and it was done. Proof of the clear and present destruction of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum's dream was today. On GH, as I hear as I won't watch that crap, Carly was depressed about people disappearing from her life. But couldn't say who. Michael was worried....about the ball. And Sam discussed some guy named Clay, who Easton played on PC.

That's it. The Sun is now the Port Charles Press again. It's all gone. Not a mention of the great lurve that was Codd that should have Carly's queen size panties in a wad. Nothing. Not a mention of the girlfriend who hotfooted it out of town without a reason. Nope. Just, "I'm worried about the show, Ma" and she's all "I'm worried about my boy lookin' like one of them fancy dancer types". Okay, it wasn't like that. But I'd love for Carly to show she's white trash with homophobic ideas. She should live in a trailer park and have polyester pants barely covering her huge ass. No offense to people in trailer parks. I saw some lovely ones in Palm Springs. Very kitschy. But, I'm sure she is the worst of the stereotypes. The skank.  SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE SLEPT WITH TONY!

But I digress.

This is too funny for words. It's worse than Dallas's shower excuse. It's just that they're gone. Never to be seen again. Like it was some kind of mass hysteria and never happened. I half expect Todd wake up in bed with Blair....John never arrested him. It was his bad dream. Wait a minute. That sounds good.....

At any rate, I doubt that will happen. Only Newhart had the balls to go for extra-diegetic crap like that.  Sorry, that's shop talk.

But again, me, digression.  Back to the current situation. It's too funny now that Valentini tries at the last minute to pull it all back and say "I have the actors and we're making new characters". It's his "Suck it" to PP. Okay, you try, Frank. Kind of hard to do that while Howarth tapes Todd scenes for PP. And looks happy as a clam, BTW. So, Frank's going to keep his actors and that's it. He'll make new characters and Nah Nah Nah to PP.

Okay. You try that, Frank. First, PP never wanted KA, IMO, so go with her. Best to you both. And you have that lovely PC story already in the works for Easton. So go there, too. And good luck. But what about Buddy Boy? What about him?

Now, let's look at the law and leave the conjecture behind. I don't know the specifics of this contract but I'll bet it says Mr. Howarth is contracted to play "Todd Manning" and I'll bet he's described thereafter. This way, you can't make him play someone else once he's signed unless he agrees. I'll bet that, Frank, a lot of money. Now, I hear Mr. Howarth's representation still claimed as of Tuesday morning that his client was to be Todd on GH. Now, that's not possible. How can this work then, Frank? If they agreed to a new character, why not say so? You did and very publicly. Why won't they back you up, Frank?

Guess. Go on, guess.

Because they don't want to! Because any character he'd have to play on GH could have no relation or likeness to Todd Manning. And Todd Manning is the real draw here. Not Howarth. Remember Pablum Ryan? I do...unfortunately. This character couldn't be a felon, be rich, be smart, be funny, be angsty, be anything like Todd...who also played a lot of personalities. That's hard, Frank. Who could he be but Felix's love interest and that's problematic as Todd did pretend to be gay once or twice and then PP would slap you with a Cease and Desist as Howarth's performance was too close to Todd.

Who could he be? And why would Howarth do it? Really. Why? Not only is this show dead, he'd have to be a whole new character who may not be interesting at all with all these restrictions. Why would he do this? Maybe he'd like to be a recast of another character but that character better not look or act like Todd...that's infringement of their copyright. Trust me. I know.

Now, let's assume that contract did read for Todd Manning. If that's true, ABC cannot perform their obligation. They have to allow him to play Todd Manning on GH and that's no longer possible. The contract, then, is void as it's not viable. It can't be done. Guess what that means, Frank? You got it.  Buddy Boy can walk. You're in breach. You can't perform your end so you have to allow him to mitigate his damages, unless you're still paying him. But there are other damages even if you pay him to sit home.

If PP recasts Todd, then he loses future earnings and could argue that ABC did damage to his career when they held him to a contract they knew they couldn't fulfill. Another actor took the part and was successful and now, PP doesn't want him. His brand, as an actor, is tarnished by playing an obscure, unpopular character on a failing show or they made him stay home and not work. Either one will do irreparable damage to his brand.   And I'll bet he could lose money due to that.  That's bad, Frank. ABC won't like that.

So, there you go. That would explain why they're holding firm about him being Todd on GH. It can't happen. They know it. PP knows it. You know it. Hell, even I know it and I'm on Spring Break. (Woo-Hoo- shoutout to Harry and Arrested Development). It's impossible and therefore, guess what?

Buddy Boy is walking. Howarth Out!! Looks like it to me, Frank.

But we'll see. I've been wrong before.  I didn't make law review and only made Dean's List a few times. I'm just a little professor from a fly over state. Yet even I can smell blood in the water when I read that article about your new characters. Go ahead. I hope it works for you.

Really, I don't care. I have Todd back in Llanview- no matter whose face he's got. And the GH fans hate you more than ever. Good job. Keep it up. You're working your way well into obscurity and take the actors with you. That's nice. But, hey, it's hard to be remembered when you're nobody.

The Awful Truth: Why GH Sucks!

Okay, I know that's harsh. And I'm not really a fan of the show but I was back in the day. But, Kids, this show sucks and the numbers keep going down and down and there's no reason for it. Well, there's one reason. One big reason.  The Production Team. Valentini and Company are killing this show- the last of a dying breed. And although I'm not shedding any tears, it's a shame really. Talent, history, and dedicated fans are being cheated out of what time they have left.

Now, I'm not speaking for the fans. I'm just giving an opinion, one many will disagree with, I'm sure. But it's just my opinion. Also, after perusing boards for insight and the enormous response to the "Nimnuts Sucks" piece, I think there's a lot of agreement. So, I'll present that caveat. I'm not speaking for anyone but me. And, it seems, a multitude of others.  But not everyone.

I know that  Valentini gets a lot of credit from many. And he's done some things people like. The corporate bigwigs like his budget cutting techniques. They like his strong arm with the loudmouths and keeping people in line. And they like that he's the lightening rod for their screwups. There are fans who like his show that switched focus and cut the mob crap and brought back Vets. I know that's true and I give him kudos for that. But it's not what he does but how he does it that's the problem.

I feel I can speak about this as I've now seen it happen twice. Sure, he'll bring back Vets you love. But he'll isolate them and use them with newbies or dayplayers for the majority of their time there. Why? They're expensive. He'll bring them on as plot points. Why? Because brief appearances by expensive actors give you the most bang you can get for your buck, in his mind. Not the audience, but in his mind. He can say "Look, it's Frisco!" and you see him for ten minutes and he's gone.

He did this on OLTL. He brought back Cord but I never saw him with Blair or hardly with Clint or Bo. I saw him with Tina, which was great, but not nearly enough. I saw Tina with Todd twice maybe, one group scene, and that's it. He brought back Todd and left him in a damn chair for three weeks. That was fun...only not.

Look, it's nice to get them back. We love that. But you can't have everything. I know it's been a while, but, again, Buddy, listen to the logic of the man on the street who has to hustle for every penny. As my father the siding salesman said, "If you want to make money, you have to spend money. Shit gives you shit".  Get it? If you want the ratings to maintain, you better get out the checkbook. If you don't have the cash, cut elsewhere. Or don't go there. But the momentary, stunt returns are a tease and only build resentment.

Related to that point is the inevitable focus on the newbie. I know, I know. Soaps have to have the new characters to bring in the new audience. I get that. But even in the end? Now, let's get real. Do you really think this show has enough time on ABC to make Sabrina a major player? Really?  Here's some advice from a bad mistake you made before- Baz.  Baz. Enough said.

Cut the losses. You know how to do with as you did with this Trey kid. But you don't do it enough. I've seen nothing but resentment and anger over this broad. Cut her. Backburner her. I don't know what and, really, I don't care. But do something. I fear you're making Alderson into some new character and she'll be the new best friend of Sabrina and it will be the show centering on the two most hated people. That should be nice for the fans. That should go over about as big as Rex and Gigi getting an entire wedding episode and much of the focus when our fucking show was ending in a moment.  Like anyone cared about that but you all. In general, the fans were appalled. You should have left that troll dead. Didn't need her at all. God, I hope FF reads this and gets nuts and goes on one of her tirades. I miss them. It was the only good thing about her. I hope she shows and gives me the finger and tells me to fuck myself. That would be so funny!!!

But I digress.

I think Frank is trying. I really do. The problem here is that it's obvious that his heart's not in it. It's a job and he's trying to do it. But it's not working. I saw him trying to work OLTL. I know he loved it and it was obvious. I detested most of his choices but he loved it. He had a vision and some stupid ideas, IMO, but I never doubted his dedication to the show. Here, not so much. I doubt it means much more to him than a paycheck. Now, I'm not faulting him for doing his job. There's nothing wrong with doing a job to best of his abilities. Not everyone loves their current position but you do it and that's it. But you don't let everyone know that. And they do. The consumers know it, Frank. I'm not even a fan and I know. You tipped your hand and now many don't trust you or like you.

The OLTL Trio Disaster proved it. You cared more about recreating your show in this platform than keeping this show true to itself. Now, I'll admit I cheered you on for it because I was a OLTL fan. But it didn't work. You had a lot of warnings it was going south. You should have cut your losses, released the characters, and not made a stink. It's tacky. You should have toned down the focus to begin with, IMO, and made it an easier progression. And Alderson was a disaster. You have to realize that. Easton was okay and Howarth was seemingly fine, except with the actor, but Alderson was a bomb. You needed to let go. And you didn't. And you're still not.

Okay, I know people insist he's coming back but I don't. I'll fess up and take my hits publicly if I'm wrong. But Howarth is walking on you. He's not holding out for a new character. He's not fighting. For him, from what I've seen, he ran. And fast. So, he's gone. In his last scene, I swear I heard him yell "Howarth Out!" as he exited stage whatever and highfived anyone who was around, doing a Rocky-like jig of triumph to be free.  It was embarrassing for you and your show.  Hell, he was gleeful.  Probably he was thinking about getting back to his true love- Slezak. I see the two of them whispering sweet nothings on the set as he sobs about how he was lost without her loving embrace. Those two really are too much in love for words. It makes me blush!!

But I digress. I loves me that romance.

Forcing Alderson into a square peg is a bad idea. I don't see the love here, Frank. But, again, I'm not speaking for everyone. Yet if someone wants to point me to the "we love Alderson on GH" boards, I'll be happy to oblige.  I've just never seen one.

You need to show you care about GH. The audience can feel it if you don't give a crap. And it feels like it. Hell, I don't even watch or care and I can feel it.  There are many reasons for this.  Mostly because you're letting Nimnuts run wild. He's a mess. He's recycling OLTL stories. Hell, he's even using the scripts. He ain't called Re-Ron for nothing! My God, this is bad. You need to drag him back and make him earn that paycheck. I know, he's pouting because he lost his Two Todds Opus.  I'm sorry, that makes me giddy!!! I'm so excited about that. I hear PP is making it just go away and bringing back SNV lickety split! It's a wonderful gift to the fans. And speaking for a few, we thank you.  It was a clusterfuck- excuse the pun.

But that's all I can say. You're killing your show, Buddy. You need to regroup, refocus, and let go. You lost OLTL. It's gone. Maybe you'll get it back one day- God, I hope not- but it's over. Like Howarth, it's out of your grasp. You have a whole other show with a talented cast and a rich history. Don't throw it away because you can't get over the one that got away. It's stupid.

That's one thing I know you're not, Frank, and that's stupid. You're misguided and wrong and, I think, angry and resentful.  And it's a shade of limelight that makes you look petty and bitter.

Think about it. But, as a OLTL fan, GH's loss is our gain. So, it's working for me!!I'll take the line from Howarth. ADDISON OUT!!! And I'm about to dance around the living room right now, in a jig of freedom. I never have to even watch GH edits on Youtube again. And it feels great.

Is it April 29th yet?

The Beauty of the Clean Break: The Misguided Logic Behind the Crossover

It seems time is about up for the Llanview Three, as they're called, and I couldn't be happier. As sad as that may seem, I can't wait for them all to exit- stage left, stage right, don't matter.  Just get them out and Llanview-bound. This is an open note to PP.

Give us our characters back for reals and forever. Crossovers are not a good idea and will not function as some surmise. They will fail and not only cause dissension in the ranks of fans on both sides, but water down the brand. Stop this before it starts, Guys, it's a bad idea.

It's often true that corporate types think their logic is correct. It may seem correct. It may work in some venues. But that logic isn't absolute. You need to know your market and study it qualitatively, not just quantitatively. You need to actually hear what your consumers have to say and see how they feel before you make assumptions about how they feel about your product.

Here's an example. I live in Chicago and can attest to our dedication to certain brands and tradenames. We're loyal to a fault. We have to be. We have the Cubs and the Bears afterall. Michael Jordan could spit in our face and we'd justify it as he was kidding. We had one family run our town for decades even though we know it maybe wasn't the best idea. They were our Daleys,  damnit, and that was that. 

When Macy's bought what was left of the Marshall Fields brand, they decided to change the name of the long loved store.  I have a very close friend who's a lawyer in San Francisco. She knows some bigwig in marketing at Macys. Knowing my friend was a native Chicagoan, he called her and asked her opinion about the name change. Her answer? "It's a disaster. Don't do it. It's a massive mistake".  The marketing guy said his numbers said otherwise. She said, "You don't know Chicagoans. This is a massive mistake".

And it was. And is. People still actively boycott the store. They hate hate hate Macy's. There are still protests to get the name back. Finally, the CEO of Macy's had to come out and tell Chicago to "get over it".  We never did. Macy's sucks and their numbers in Chicago prove that.

Macy's took a century of good will and tossed it. They took a brand and watered it down as they still sold Frangos and kept a moment or two of Fields. But it's not the same. Having a little of what we loved makes it worse than having nothing at all. Numbers don't show attitudes. Logic isn't always controlling in taste and loyalty. Err on the side of caution when consumer choices are clouded with nostalgia and memory and family.

This is for you guys at PP. Read that line above again. Soap opera is all about nostalgia, family, memory, and love. Don't think you can use characters as marketing. That's not going to work. They aren't pawns in that way. They need to be centered and grounded. They can't run willy-nilly from place to place. People will not be invested in them.

THIS IS A BAD IDEA!! We need to get invested in a story or we don't care. The audience isn't invested in the character. They're invested in the relationships with other characters. You should have learned that from watching this crap with OLTL characters on GH. The majority of the OLTL audience did not watch or left pretty quickly. It wasn't my show so why would I watch?

Look, I was a huge fan of Howarth's interpretation of Todd. But I quickly found that I was only interested in him in Llanview. I not only didn't like him in Port Charles, I disliked him. I turned it off and avoided the show because of it. I would have liked to have seen Anna and Duke and Scotty and Lucy and Frisco and Felicia. But the show had the stink of the loser all over them and Todd made it worse. Don't get me started on Starr.

This will happen with the GH fans you think may come over to OLTL after any brief crossover. It will not work. It's about them liking Todd on GH, not following him back to OLTL. They'll be pissed as these are two different characters. On GH, he's whatever he was with Carly. On OLTL, he's Todd Manning. Different guy.

The shows have different tones and acting styles. They don't mesh. That should prove the point. If they like GH, they may not like OLTL. You've had Todd get new fans for a year. That should be enough. If they follow, it will be now. But having him show up and be whatever for the moment won't make anyone happy. Fans of both shows want their character for themselves. We don't share well.

So, look, this is your show, do what you want. But, like the marketing guy who thought he knew everything, my friend the lawyer knew more than him as she lived it. She knew the consumers. She understand the fan culture. She may not have done studies formally, but she lived it.

I'm doing the same thing now.  Abandon this idea. It's a bad one and it won't work. It will hurt you more than help. It will make me not invest in Todd if he's leaving, no matter how brief. He needs to go home, stay there, and rebuild his life. I'm not interested in him running back, even for a few months. GH fans won't be invested if he will then come back and leave again. This is logic, I get that, but it's faulty.

You're new to soaps. You need to rebuild trust with the audience. We're leery and you need to woo us. Just give us our people back and we're with you. We've been screwed but we're ones who want to believe. Just don't fuck it up.

What Excites Me About PP!: Sounds Like a Bad Prince Song But You Know What I Mean

I just realized something as I sit here and hide from students who don't like their grades. Sure, it's my job to be responsive....to some extent. But, at any rate, I realized that I would rather think  about what I hope to see on PP than listen to the rantings of angry 18-24 year olds.  Unlike Addison, I can't tell them to suck it or blow me. I have to nod my head and pretend to listen and, sometimes, respond.

But I digress.

So, in all the hullabaloo coming out of who is on contract and who isn't and when each show tapes and so forth, I find that I am like a kid awaiting Christmas. I know, I'm a big ole Jew, but I know that drill.  I can't say if I'm more excited for AMC or OLTL, as I love them both differently. I enjoy OLTL more but AMC is the sentimental favorite. So, since I spent a blog discussing the greatness that is this version of AMC already, I'll try it for OLTL.  There's so much but I'll try to be brief.  Well, as brief as I usually am.

I don't know if I can explain what I'm MOST excited about as there is so much. I know what I'm not excited about. I'll start there.

I'm not excited about them being too short! I want more than 30 minutes, damnnit!! I could watch these shows all day, so that seems a little light in terms of content to me. But, hey, Beggars can't be Choosers. I'll take it for now and hope for more later.

I'm not excited about the "teen scene". The pictures are, well, interesting. It's a good thing they're young as Phaedra Parks says, "You can't turn a whore into a housewife".  That quote can't be said enough, it's so beautiful.  I guess that's why Blair's marriages never really take. But, again, I digress. Yet  I'll withhold judgment until my middle aged ass actually sees something. I am more than open to be surprised. But, as I would tell the students that are looking for me right now, I'll gladly listen but I have never changed a grade unless there's a clerical error. So, although I claim to have an open mind, it's kind of a crock.

Okay, so other than that, I can't think of anything I'm not looking forward to in this new endeavor. I am just so pleased, I kind of feel like an idiot. So, what the hell? I'll own it. Hello, my name is Addison and I'm a fangurl.  It's been one year since my last soap........

I'm  excited about the KICKASS cast.  I'm laughing aloud at the my use of "kickass" as it is, by nature, the tackiest of all exclamations, IMO.  But, what can you do? They kick ass and I have to admit it.  What a fucking dream cast. It's like 1995 all over but even better as it's NOT 1995!! And JVD, the GILFiest GILF of all time is there. AND NO KEVIN!! I always hated Kevin, all incarnations. I just hated his pompous ass.

But, truly, there is not one person I would have wished for that isn't there on that list. All on the "contract" list, too. Yeah, Roger, tell me again how you're going back to that shitfest known as GH when I see your name prominently displayed as a contract player. Listen, Buddy, I may have only gotten a B in Contracts, but I know how they work. You rarely have two employment contracts running concurrently. Is it for four weeks? Maybe. But maybe I'm Ali Fucking Baba.  You don't know I'm not. I could be.  I have hair that I wear up when I need a cut. I could be sporting a turban. It's possible. I do know thieves......

So, anyway, I couldn't be more pleased. Great actors who I don't hate. They're all spectacular and interesting characters and lack pretense and don't seem to backstab. I love it all and will not only appreciate each and every one, but thank my lucky stars they're gracing my "screen" again. There's no one who makes me want to gag when they show up. Like Ms. Wright with her unfortunate hair. I fear the taunts about her gigantic ass may be driving her into an eating disorder, so I'll stop mentioning that. Besides, have you seen that hair? She needs the fucking turban.  Holy Crap! That's some bad hair. Laura, Honey, people on 'ludes should not cut their own hair.

But I digress.

I'm excited about being excited. It's really depressing to be looking forward to nothing in terms of entertainment at the end of a day when you usually like to plop down and watch a great soap opera. I love getting home and all of the sudden realizing, "OMG, I have a OLTL to watch". And then actually wanting to do it. I know that in the last year, I've often been home when soaps are on and actively avoid them. Hell, I'd rather work than watch that dreck. I long ago lost interest in DOOL and Y&R.  GH? You couldn't pay me enough to sit through that crap.  It's unwatchable drivel.


I'm excited to hear David tell Blair she looks awful!  I know that many think he's played out but I love David and TW. I think he's hysterical and every time I see him, I laugh before he says anything. I think he's so damn funny, I can't take it. I'm laughing thinking about him. I love when he says that as it's so random but a great shout out to something I don't know, but I love it. So, shout away, Kids. I'm excited to see it.

I'm excited to see Viki be irritated with Dorian and roll her eyes at her. I love Viki's exasperation as even that's done with love. I can't wait to see a big old bitch session and Viki in the middle. I'd start with Dorian and then add in Todd and then David and if Tina could show, that would rock!  A real moron fiesta of raving with Viki right there, in the middle, trying to breath.  I'd like that. It would make me happy.

I'm excited about the swearing!!! I can't wait for it, actually. As you may have noticed, I have an issue with it. As you can see, it offends my naturally demure disposition...only not.   I think I was about five when I heard my father talking to a workman on the phone and called the guy a motherfucker. I was on my mother's lap and she was horrified as I asked her what it was and she hushed me. But I remembered it and since I was an active AMC watcher at the time, I already knew what Hookers were from Donna Beck, Estelle, Billy Clyde, and Tyrone, it wasn't much of a stretch.

I can't wait to hear grown ups talk like grown ups. I always thought Todd telling people to "Buzz off" was stupid. He should be telling them to Fuck off, as, well, he should. That's what people say. Fuck Off, You Cocksucking Sonofbitch! That's what he should say. I'm requesting that exactly. If I hear it, I'll be pleased. I'll take it as a shoutout!!

I want Nora to call people assholes. She should. It suits her. I want Blair to be accused of fucking people. I want Tea to yell "Shit". She would do that. And I want someone to call Jack a little prick. He is one. He deserves it. I've called him that many times myself.

I'm excited to not be scared about what crap Nimnuts will throw at me. I am just so happy to be rid of him, I can't express it. I'm so pleased that he's out of my orbit, I'm practically doing a jig in the office. Well, not a jig. A Snoopy-inspired slam dance is more like it. If Todd does head back to GH for ten minutes, then that's ten minutes I'll ignore and can't spare. I'm too busy sticking my thumb up my ass. I'm too busy playing in the traffic on the Kennedy Expressway in Hubbard's Cave at 530. I'm too busy being not busy at all. I'd rather stare at a wall than sit through one more moment of Nimnut's take on serial drama. I hear he's getting fellow rape-lover, Dena Higley, to join him. That's a match made in heaven. My condolences GH fans, really. The only one worse than him is her. I breath a sigh of relief. If they're getting their paws on Todd, I'm writing him off. Just stay away from CLINT!! He's special.

I'm just so excited, I can't even picture it. It's a bright spot in a increasingly dim moment for me. When I can cry at the drop of a hat, usually in the car or when I try to sleep at about 3 am, it's nice to think there's something positive that doesn't matter and will take no effort on my part.  That's nice. Hell, right now, if it doesn't suck, I'll be happy.  But how it could suck- Viki will be there!  That makes everything better.

Goodbye, Mr. Carlivati: Top Ten Things I WON'T Miss About Nimnuts

Let me preface this by saying I know nothing about sports. Like, less than nothing. But I was born, raised, bred, reared, and have paid taxes in Chicago. So, by osmosis, I have some knowledge of our crazy sports teams. I am a media freak by nature and profession. Thus, after years spent daily with Steve Dahl and Jonathon Brandmeier (currently on WGN-720 mornings from 6-10, central via the WGN app, or download at Itunes), I have a sports fan vs. player/owner/coach mentality.

I've always argued that the two most rabid fan bases are sports fans and soap fans. They share so much but they have one particular trait in common- they hate the "Man" and blame "him" for all. In sports, it's the owners, maybe the coaches, and sometimes the players but they get more love and therefore slack. However, when sports fans turn on a player, they better watch out. See: Brett Favre. OUCH!

So, when things go south with soaps, we, as fans, turn on the likely candidate. THE MAN- literally and figuratively. The Network, of course, the producer, and then the writer. The actors, like the player, get the most slack as they've been given little choice in how this all goes down.  But that doesn't mean they walk free. See: a lot of people.

Using this rather long analogy, you can see where I'm going. Our time on traditional television is over and, personally, I couldn't be happier. I am more than willing to lay all of my discontented feelings on one doorstep. I, as a proud Chicago Soap Fan who was trained to be a Fan by Cubs/Sox/Bears/Bulls/Blackhawks Psychos, maliciously point my finger at you, Mr. Carlivati.  I respectfully suggest, Sir, that you bite me. And suck it. And, in the words of Lee Elia in a spectacular rant, "Take that downtown and PRINT IT!"

Now, if you had any interesting color to your personality, Nimnuts, you'd come back as Elia did. 

"If you want to rip somebody, rip me," said Elia, "If you wanna rip somebody, rip my fuckin' ass. But don't rip them guys".  

Okay, he's right. I will rip you, Ron.  Because, as all Bears Fans say to everyone who will listen, "YOU SUCK!!" But, in this instance, I'm taking Elia's side, as he ripped into Cub Fans in 1983. Take a listen as he actually sticks up for his players and takes responsibility for sucking. I don't see that from you, Nimnuts. Be a man. Admit it. YOU SUCK!!

http://www.speakeasy.org/~bucky/lee_elia_br.mp3


I love that. It's what Nimnuts should say, but he won't.Because he's above that. And besides, if the fans don't like it, they should just not watch.  Okay. We won't, and we haven't.  How's that, Nimnuts?

Now if you had a backbone, you'd say that you're "busting your ass and we boo?" like Elia did. Yeah, right. We boo but not because you're busting your ass. But because YOU SUCK!!! And, in true sports fan fashion, here's why I think you suck.

The Top Ten Things I Won't Miss About Nimnuts- aka Why You Suck:

You think soaps are camp: They may be a little cheesey but they ain't camp, Dumbass.  They're melodrama. It's different. It may be a bit over the top but that doesn't make it camp. It makes it excessive. That's the difference. You don't seem to get it. I suggest a college course in melodrama. You obviously were asleep in yours.  I doubt it was in your curriculum, though. Yeah, you suck.

You think the audience is engaged if they're hating your fucking guts:  Where this mentality comes from, I don't know. It's moronic. It's not about making us hate you, it's about making us love you. And I see no one doing that even a little. They might hate you less than Guza, but no one loves you. Because, well, you suck.  You don't take what fans have loved for years and destroy it for no reason. And any reason you have is idiotic. See: Every couple fan on OLTL or GH. Because you suck.

You think it's true to character and history solely because you wrote it: This is truly ridiculous. I think this may be a direct quote. Todd Manning is not a manwhore who fucks any piece of ass that comes down the pike. That's not true to history. But, if you write that he's moved on from the rape, he has. When? How? Why? By moving out of town. Oh, no, because you said so...Okay. You suck!!!

You whitewash misdeeds because you're too lazy to actually write redemption stories: One word for you: Ford. Nothing else needs to be said. He took advantage of Jessica and you made it no big thing. Really? I thought it was a big thing and Viki and Clint should have his balls cut off, not accept him. That "love story" was truly nauseating. Now, I was a Todd Manning fan, so I believe in redemption. But I have to see it. It can't be Boo-Boo Face for five minutes and then it's all good. Get some creativity and patience, Dude, this sucks.

You think the audience will tolerate anything as long as there's five seconds of "good": You tease and taunt and think it's about angst or longing or building anticipation. It's not. It sucks. Natalie and Brody? Are you kidding me? So, you have a few furtive looks between her and John and then slap them together for one episode? Are you insane? Your interpretation of  building anticipation is non-existent and when you slap them together then you have to. Know why? Because you suck.

You're a disrespectful, pompous ass who thinks that he's above the audience: Lee Elia was mad. I'll give him that. But what's your excuse? I know, it's hypocritical to talk about being disrespectful when I rip you, but if you weren't so obnoxious, I wouldn't. Even though I think your tweets are amusing, you better not think it's helping you. You sound like an ass. I can be an ass. No one's paying me for this and I don't make a dime. I do this to entertain myself. I see you're doing that, as well, the problem is, you have to make money for those corporate types.  You ain't cutting it.  I saw the ratings. And degrading and deriding your customers is not smart, to say the least.


You don't know that Shock is not Drama: Having the audience gasp in horror or being shocked is fine. But it's a stunt. Not drama. It's a dramatic moment. You don't make that the story, it's the beginning or maybe the middle, but not the story itself. You make it the motivation for the REST OF THE STORY!! That's your problem. You never play out the rest of the story. You look for the next shock moment and plot point and that's it. You don't explain things in a interesting way. You don't flesh out ideas or fallout. You move on. That sucks but it leads to:

You're not able to write a complete thought:  Let's call it "Short Attention Span Theater".  You are the one who doesn't get serial drama, Buddy. It's about the long story, not the plot point. You lose interest after the reveal or the moment and can't be bothered to finish that thought. That's where the interesting stuff is, Dummy. Not in the moment. We want to see it play out and have ramifications for years and how that works and what it means. You don't. And you're wrong. Because, well, you suck!!


You're a Misogynistic Rat Bastard who's obsessed with Rape:  In the brilliant "Angels in America", Roy Cohen says he's not a gay man, he's a man who has sex with men. There's a difference. I think you should think about that, Buddy Boy, because the way you characterize and treat women makes me think you have the same ideas. You are more misogynistic than any Chauvinist Pig I've ever seen. How dare you take a woman's form and turn it against women the way you do. I think this is my real problem with you. Your attitudes towards the victimization of women is nauseating and reactionary.  You probably don't worry because your rapes aren't "legitimate" rape, right, Ronny? You make me sick. You make women stupid, desperate, clawing victims and romanticize rape. You can claim they're supposed to be horrifying, but that ain't working, Buddy. You should be ashamed of yourself. And if I were a gay man, I'd shun your reactionary ass! As a woman, that's a given. YOU SUCK!!

You destroy great characters for your "Vision"- or lack thereof: Dorian, Marty, Mitch, Todd, Blair. All ruined under your poison pen. I know people hate Mitch, but I loved him. He wasn't a cartoon. He was evil. There's a difference. You made him into a disgusting joke, instead of a realistic, terrifying character. And Dorian-  don't start. She was a joke, not a strong, independent woman but a desperate source of fun. And Marty? OMG, don't start me on that either. You made a strong, rape survivor into a psychotic killer. Nice. Nice job. For that alone, you suck. And you should be ashamed of yourself.

Well, I hope never to have to rant about you again, but something tells me I might. I can't even think about that and I send my condolences to the GH fans who are stuck with you as long as that show exists. But besides the degradation, you should think about it. What makes people hate you the way they do? Maybe it's not just that they're assholes. I am, I admit it. But some of them aren't.

Listen to Lee Elia. He was angry and frustrated. But  he admitted they sucked. He was angry the fans weren't with him but he acknowledged the issues working against him. And, personally, I've never met more loyal fans than Cub Fans. They have to be. Yet he was upset and angry with himself more than anything.  Take it as a lesson, Ron, this isn't mean fans who you need to block on Twitter. Under the vitriol and the hate, there's a cause for it. And it's you. It's all on you.

Now, where's Lee Elia now? He's working in Atlanta, I see. That's nice. It's warmer. But I wish him well as I respect him.  You- not so much. Where will you be when GH tanks which we all know is coming soon? Will you come back to OLTL so we can all freak and scream and rail on you? God, I hope not. But, if you do, you better watch your ass. We're fans. We forgive but we never forget. Remember Brett Favre. Watch your step. Everyone hates Brett Farve forever in Green Bay. I think we'll be feeling the same way.

Now, Nimnuts, take that downtown and print it!