Best and Worst of the Week: Dieter and GOB Bring the Funny!

Wow, I am so psycho busy for the next few weeks, I can't sleep and I hardly have time to breath. But I was directed to this photo from the world's funniest recapper and I have to just comment:

Begging for Delousing

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!



Need I say more?  This is classic. Hey, Nimnuts, Howarth's laughing at your crap show!!! I can't help but join in. He looks like an idiot and, by the shit eating grin on his face, he knows it. He's tanking this and is proud, it seems. I get the feeling he's winking at the audience, saying "Can you believe this shit?" But he's laughing all the way to the bank and has a real role elsewhere. Why would he care? He's Todd twice a week- and being spectacular, BTW.

This is true comedy gold. I wouldn't watch this shit but, boy, is it funny. I've done almost nothing but laugh all weekend as my bestest pal ever, Mr. Gob Bluth, returned to my "set". He makes me laugh as much as Dieter does here. He's brilliant. Arrested Development on Netflix just proves the point- there is only good television on the internet these days. Look at the shit ABC is spewing. Here, in case you forgot:

Delousing Required STAT!

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

Even funnier the second time, isn't it? He seems to be saying, "I'm hideous and this is moronic"!!!And the picture of Burton in the background must be there to just pour salt in the wounds of real GH Fans, not the ones who just love Howarth no matter what or the Easton girls. Sorry, Ms. Thang, I don't see any fans for you on GH. This is too much for words.

Wait a minute, maybe Burton's Fonzie and Howarth's the shark. Burton, like Fonzie, is going to try and jump the shark on his motorcycle. Yeah, then GH will literally JUMP THE SHARK!!! That makes sense. Burton is wearing leather.

But, I doubt it. Nimnuts isn't that clever and Burton is laughing the hardest right now.  I also saw Fonzie a lot this weekend on Arrested Development as the hysterical attorney, Barry Zuckercorn, and he's beyond funny. The shark jump didn't phase him a bit. Nor will it Burton or Howarth.  Yet I see very little in Nimnut's future except maybe repeating "would you like fries with that?" I think he'd look nice in a hairnet.

So, that's all there is to say. GH is even worse than I imagined and I have to hand it to Howarth. He does not disappoint. When he wants to take a show down, he does it right. He can't seem to even hold back the laughter this time. I saw him literally laugh in LW's face a few times, but, now, he's showing the audience his amusement. He's laughing at all of them and making it obvious. This is a sure fire path to cancellation. Your bosses at PP must be proud. You're handing them another show to fix. They did well with Nimnut's last hatchet job. I'm sure they'll rebuild GH, as well.

The sooner, the better. But, until then, thanks for the laughs. It's not Arrested Development, but I think Dieter does look like Franklin when he went through the dryer and his hair turned blonde.

Dieter Before the Bleachjob

I see the resemblance. Really, I do........

BTW, anyone see my boyfriend, Slattery, on Arrested Development??? I squeed like a fangurl!!And my GILF, Clint, went nuts on the idea of John McBain today. He's so hot when he's mad. And Thursday, there should be an hysterical poker game with the Buchs and Todd and Blair make out, I think.  WOW- and there's more Arrested Development on Netflix! My cup runneth over as summer begins.

Too many riches, too little time! Thank God I can watch them over and over. Network TV can bite me. I'm going where the quality is- the internet.

GH's Sweeps of Suck: Dieter Sets the World on Fire........Only Not!

I have to be honest. I am so f'ing overwhelmed with real life commitments, I don't really have any time to write this but I can't resist. I saw this tweet and it had to be highlighted:

Dawn Griffin ‏@Dawn4Soaptown 4m
Maybe we should just call RH's character "Exit Door" and suggest he walk through it. #GH

I don't know this woman but she's a hoot! It's so apropos.  That Howarth is really earning his pay....only not. I love it. He's stinking up GH just like I thought he would! Buddy Boy never disappoints.

These new characters suck. Let's look at the comments from around the viewing audience. I find that there's ample evidence in terms of qualitative research here.

First up: The summaries can't help but be degrading:  Now, granted, I haven't watched. I have way too many things to juggle to waste my time. I do, however, get up early to see OLTL and am silently pleased that they're slowing down. It fits my schedule better this summer of chaos. But there is no way I'm sitting through even Youtube edits of Dieter or Silas the Dweeb or Kiki the Freak.  Yet, as always, I have funny recapper. Giving her credit where credit is due:

today was just ridiculous. may is suppose to be exciting for soaps. dieter gets weird and twitchy when lulu wants a name, then he sounded almost like a kid like "its a surprise" "I don't want it ruined, it would suck" I was looking like what are you 5? LOLL then him and silas just crossing on the pier was so dumb, it was no need for the scene it served no purpose.

dieter: what are you looking at?
silas: a woman died here, my brother did it
dieter: well I guess you can cross him off your Christmas list
silas: (in that flat affect voice ME does so well) he's dead
dieter: ah..that's a shame

LOLLL riveting stuff ain't it?i mean what is that? then dieter proceeds to hang out with his ipad just adding people's name to the guest list for his party. ridiculous and things have gone wrong when I root for Michael and feel bad for him but kiki and morgan are just that damn annoying that I didn't mind Michael snitching them out to carly,

WOW, I'm glued to my seat. What names will be added? Why? Where did Dieter get that Ipad? Did he pay full price or buy it on a promotion? Did he put his stylist on the list because that hair is painful?  Is Silas' Christmas List long? Does he have room to add Dieter? What's the price limit for gifts? Does he do Secret Santa or buy for all? I HAVE TO KNOW.  IT'S TOO EXCITING.........

Only not. This sounds like the worst, most boring crap I've ever heard. I'm glued to my seat because I can't stop laughing at how bad it is. And I love it. 

Next up: I also see that people on Twitter are finally noticing Howarth laughing at the material and his co-stars. Hello, he's been doing that the whole time on GH!! I saw him flat out laugh in Laura Wright's face a few times. He's amusing himself as this is the dumbest show ever!!! I can't wait until Dieter pulls out the props to keep himself entertained. I bet he's surfing the net on that Ipad. Or maybe he's watching OLTL! He wants to be sure he's part of a real show. Not this crap.

Funny but on OLTL, I haven't seen any inappropriate response. Or a prop. I only see Todd reacting as he should. Showing emotion when needed, being stoic when not needed. Take the scene in Bo's office. There were a plethora of props available on Bo's desk. Didn't see him play with one. No putting on handcuffs. No making inappropriate comments. No chuckling under his breath....or out loud. Just Todd. Being in the scene.

And, finally, one more anecdote: The cool kids are done.  I was in the nursing home with my mother and aunt today and my niece was there. She's 19, a college student, honor roll at a major university, brilliant, beautiful, perfect.......but I digress. At any rate, she said to me "Addison (not my real name), GH is so bad it's insane". And then she proceeded to talk about how Morgan is now a Chippendale's model when he was a dorky kid a year ago. She's done with this show- with no prompting from me. She's brilliant. She knows crap when she sees it.

I told her it was always bad and she said "Oh, no, it's hit a whole new level of bad". Did you hear that, Nimnuts? You lost the kid!!!! It was music to my ears.

When will they get it? It's not about having a popular actor or naked men. It's about quality writing and stories that make sense and being respectful of your audience. This show is none of the those things.

I heard Tracy had a great scene this week. How'd that slip by you all? Jane Elliot must have been winging it. She's better than all the writers put together.  Yet that's one moment in a sweeps of suck. But you keep trying and I'll keep laughing. It's great. I need the amusement. I'm getting the best laughs I've had in a long time.

Up next on GH- Dieter makes his Laundry List while Silas the Dweeb compiles his To Do list.  Kiki should come up with her Who to Do List, but she'll probably just have her Grocery List.  It's all lists all the time. That's about as deep as this shows gets.

Meanwhile over on OLTL, the real show, Viki is trying to save her paper and her father's legacy as Clint gets too involved. Natalie contemplates her life beyond John while he contacts her. Tea tries to deal with Victor's disappearance and his murderous tendencies. Todd survives his latest murder attempt and  tries to get through to his angry son with little success so far. Blair attempts to get through to Jack that his father loves him as she tries to deal with her own feelings for Todd, which are about to take over her life. David's reality show is about to cause chaos and Dorian is setting up her rival.

Now that's a show. Not a list in sight. Except on the part of the audience. Number one on my list- Watch OLTL....a few times. And next, Don't Watch GH. It sucks. 

Maybe Dieter can borrow Bieber's monkey. I hear he may be available. And they seem to have the same stylist. That might bring back the kids........only not.

The Sky Ain't Falling, Chicken Little: Stop the PP Panic!!

Okay, so I see everyone freaking out and I’m crazy busy but I feel the need jump into the fray and say this:

STOP SPAZZING!!STOP BEING CRAZY SOAP FANS AND LOSING YOUR SHIT AND THINKING THE WORLD IS ENDING!! It’s not.

Well, that’s not true. We all end up dead, so, in fact, the world is always ending. And I don’t even try to keep up with what’s going down in Syria or Libya, so it could be ending for reals for everyone. Dennis Rodman’s buddy is a huge headcase in North Korea. So, I’m wrong. There may be a reason to panic. But not about PP.

It’s true that they are cutting back from four episodes a week to two. That’s a decision that was made public yesterday. And, yes, I think that sucks as I wanted MORE shows rather than less. Yet, as we all know, we can’t always get what we want.

The rationale is interesting and has some merit. Allegedly, there aren’t enough people watching them daily. Those people who are watching more casually may be getting backlogged. This would lead to people being overwhelmed as they’d feel the need to “catch up”. This, in turn, won’t encourage them to jump in to the show. They’d feel as if they missed too much. That’s rational and I get it. I’m not sure it’s the real reason, but it isn’t silly or invalid reasoning. It makes sense.

But I’d assume there are other, more important reasons. Now, let me say this first and foremost. I DO NOT THINK THIS IS AN INDICATION OF THESE SHOWS NOT BEING SUCCESSFUL. Not even a little. I’ve read the numbers, watched their position on Hulu, and know that’s not the case. The reviews are fabulous, the fans are out of control happy, and the actors seem very pleased, as well. So, it’s not that. SO STOP WITH THE DOOMSDAY STUFF! There are other issues at hand.

What I think is really the opposite. I think these shows are too successful and the production plan can't handle it.

 I was always skeptical on the production schedule. How would it be possible for them to shoot for five weeks, be off for five, and then complete four 30 minute shows a week? That doesn’t seem possible. If you look at B&B, they shoot all year and have only five 30 minute shows. How can these guys pull that off, minus the day, in less than half the time? It seemed optimistic at best.

Then there was an interview with ES where she said they shot enough for twenty shows. It seemed strange and people were chatting about it but then dismissed it. If she was right, as she always is, she’s SLEZAK, then if they run them four days a week, they only had five weeks of shows. We’re done with three. There would only be two left………That’s not making sense. OLTL is just going back to work next week. How can they have enough shows shot NEXT week to be ready in three weeks?

I hope you see where I’m going here. Now, I swear, I know nothing. I’m just speculating and using some logic. I think this may be a little about the audience, sure, why not. But I think it’s something else completely. 

I think they don’t have enough shows. I think they produced a great product, left the audience clamoring for more, and now, they got nothing left. The shelves are empty.  What can they do? Easy- parcel them out more slowly and extend their supply until they can replenish. That makes sense to me. 

 

Now, that’s one scenario. There are others which make sense and don’t involve being cancelled. Here’s a few:

-They are working on a cable deal and need to slow up to be able to have the TV audience catch up with the shows already seen online. It’s being banded about that there is at least an international cable deal in the works. If that’s true, as they already have FX-Canada, then I’d bet there’s an American one being discussed, as well. That means that they’d have to play “catch up” with the audience on television. They’d have to run the shows we’ve seen online to keep the continuity. 

How do you do that without all the shows being out of sync? Easy- you cut the number on online shows now, so you can make it easier in September which is when the fall schedule begins. They would have half as many shows to rerun on television as there would be if you kept it to four. This is possible, not sure if it’s likely, but it’s possible.

-Next, there is the idea that they’re getting another show added to the repertoire soon. By this I mean the sad and pathetic GH. Unless ABC's Dummer- as in Dumber- has a serious food fetish, I can’t see this loser hanging on much longer. I’ve seen her picture. That food fetish is possible. Maybe she’s into condiments….who knows. But,  I digress. I can’t make enough jokes about that dog of a show. Hey, has Dieter asked anyone to touch his monkey yet? It’s coming. But I hear he doesn’t speak. Guess Howarth doesn’t want to learn lines, huh? He must hate Nimnut’s writing as much as  the audience. Or he's trying to memorize his lines for OLTL while he's "acting" on GH. He's multi-tasking.

I’m sorry. Again, I digress. I just can’t help myself. I have a fetish- mocking GH. But they deserve it.

So, at any rate, if GH is being cancelled at any minute, they’ll have a third show to deal with on this crazy schedule. That would be more pressure, more time, and more haggling. I could see that throwing a monkeywrench into the works.  OOOPPS- sorry, Dieter. Don't want to get you all excited.  Again, I apologize. I have Sprockets, I mean GH, on my mind. Has Beeker beeped yet? I can’t wait to see that. We know Easton loves the silly stuff. He’s doing his best Jerry Lewis imitation, I hear. I can't wait until he calls Monaco "Lady" in that shrill, annoying way. That should be comedy gold!

-Finally, it could be what they said. It could be that they’re getting fine numbers but, like all corporate types, they want those numbers to grow steadily. And they aren’t. They’re good enough but not showing the growth they’d like. That would mean that they need to try to ensure a steady rise, not stay with status quo. The scenario they describe would, in fact, possibly encourage that.

What is NOT happening is they're being cancelled. If these shows were being cancelled, why are they still being produced? Why do they have a schedule for August? Why are they trying to tweek something if they’re going to dump it? That makes no sense. If they want to dump it, they cut the costs. Cutting the costs of production has nothing to do with this scenario. They’re still shooting the same number of shows. They just are releasing them more slowly. If they were cancelling, that makes no sense.

So, yell, scream, cry, do whatever you want. But I’ll tell you one thing. It’s for naught. But, we’re soap opera fans. We love the drama. We love hanging from the high wire when it snaps. We love the broad being tied to the tracks as the train comes barreling at her. We love the couple being most at odds when they get together. It’s never easy for us and never over.

I guess you need to think of it from that perspective. The happy couple in daytime is dull. And dull is death or backburner. We want our shows front and center. So, strap in. It’s only the beginning of this story. And there will be many obstacles to come. There will be twists and turns and tests of faith and loyalty, but, as Viki said, it’s all about tuning in tomorrow to see what happens. And I know I will. 

Well, I’ll have wait a while. But I’ll be tuning in. I’d rather have an hour a week of fantastic than five hours of relish and Dieter and Kiki, the freak, and Silas the Dweeb. Remember, anything in a soap is worth waiting for. It's all about the process. Not the monkey.

Sorry, it's a compulsion.

More Kvelling About OLTL: Best Show on "Whatever"

Okay, I know the majority of you all won't really know what this means. But it's so apt. I grew up surrounded by Yiddish, a dead language that was spoken by Jews in Eastern Europe and is a hybrid of German, Russian, Polish, and anything else that fits. It's really permeated English with words such as "schmuck" and "putz", both meaning penis in Yiddish. But "kvell" means to be full of pride and adoration. I often "kvell" over my nieces who are, of course, the most fabulous, beautiful, smart, sweet women on the planet. They are. It's not my fault. It's a fact. I know I'm kvelling about them but I can't help it. They're superior humans. It's just the way it is.

But I digress.

So, again, I'm kvelling about OLTL this week. I can't take it!! I'm so excited about how great this show is, I can't hold it in. As the wonderful Cat Stevens said, I can't keep it in. I can't keep it in and I gotta let it out. I know, he's Yusaf Islam to the world now, but he's still Cat Stevens to me and I love him. I can't keep it in about how great OLTL was this week. I'm loving it more and more and more every week. I keep waiting to be bored or let down....and I'm not.

Here we go- KVELLING!!

I can't get enough of the crazy Lord Brothers. They're both certifiable and so much damn fun to watch. I couldn't see that  fight scene enough. It was so great. There's SNV, being a grown up, being nice, and then Todd being, well, not bad Todd. They share a drink. They drink to family and the kids and the truce.

And then all Hell broke loose.

THANK GOD!! Who wants these two guys liking one another? Todd acts like, well, Todd when SNV says he's gotta skate and starts spazzing for what seems no real reason except that the kids will be sad. That didn't sound right to me. It's gotta be because Todd realizes this will be thrown back on him by Jack and somehow, he'll get screwed for it. Yeah, that sounds like Todd. Self absorption. That's our boy.

So, he starts ranting and raving and acting like an ass and spouting off and then, out of nowhere, SNV flips and pulls some wierd ninja move and does something to Todd's throat. And it was bizarre. Howarth's face was like "WTF?" and then SNV, cool as an f'ing cucumber tells him he should have let the poison kill him..........

WAH????? Yeah, that was what I said, literally. WAH???  Not a word, just a shocked expression. And Howarth had the same shocked expression and SNV chokes him and he's out. That's it. SNV tells him to burn in Hell and it's "Victor Out".  He's gone.  Todd gone? Well, obviously not. But he's out.  And in comes Little Man Jack to save his Daddy. The obvious idea here is that Jack will begin to understand he loves his father, which he does. He'll turn on SNV, IMO, as he will feel the impact of losing his big, mean, ole Man from finding him on the ground.

What was strange is that they skipped the whole reveal at the hospital. All of it. Next thing we know, Todd's up, being Todd, and Viki's playing big sis, watching him pace, and Bo's investigating. I have to admit, I thought I missed an episode. But, I guess not. They're moving fast, like prime time, and I'm fine with that. But, once in a while, I'd like them to slow down. Yet Todd dies every few weeks, allegedly, so it's no big deal. One of my little friends claims if it's Tuesday, Todd's on the verge of death, so we don't need the histrionics every time, I guess.

But how great was Bo in cop mode. I LOVE BO!!! He was all "You suck, Manning. You're a liar who stalked my wife. And I'm bringing you down because you're a freak who raped Marty and always called my Paw the Creepy Cowboy and framed my nephew for rape...."

Okay, maybe he wasn't really like that. But I like to think of him being like that. Bo wouldn't do that as he's a Bo and, like Bo Brady....sigh......they are all cop business. No personal stuff for them. But they feel it where it counts, on the inside. At any rate, how great was Todd berating Bo for being Bo and it's true. The LPD is incompetent but now that McBain is gone being Silas the Dweeb on GH, maybe they'll get better. He sucked!!

I love the old hatred coming off there and Todd deserved to have everyone doubt him. He's hired goons to go after him before....hello, Dead Nanny Lie!! But, whatever. This time, he's legit and even my boy Bo knows it.

And how great was it when he almost called Todd a Motherfucker to Nat?  I loved that. I loved how he apologized to her for swearing as Bo would do that. He's Bo Fucking Buchanan. He'll swear but he'll regret it in front of his lovely niece. I love to swear in front of my lovely nieces, but I'm a demented freak. I'm not a Bo. I teach them to swear....yeah, I said it. I'm not a Bo.

And how great was Nat finding the arsenic. She rocks, even on a bad day. She's so going to get her groove on with Cutter, which she'll regret, because she's all mopey over John  being gone. But if she knew he was Silas the Dweeb, she wouldn't care. Yet copyrights won't allow her to be told that. Too bad. She'll be pissed when she's giving Cutter a piece and finds out he's screwing Blair- figuratively, not literally. He's stealing money, I say. Trust me. Cutter ain't nailing Blair. Todd would castrate him.

Speaking of that- hello, how cute are Todd and Blair? WTH? He gets out of the hospital and what does he do when he can't get into his room? Oh, yeah, he has to go find Blair. Why? I don't know. Maybe being near death makes him want to be near his main squeeze? Maybe but it seems he just shows up where she is every fifteen minutes or so and then gets all up in her space and then makes himself at home and then she kicks him out.

When did this happen? I don't know but, like a lot of things on this show, I DON'T CARE!! I love it and it's what I want to see and so I'm going with it. When did these two get crazy flirty? I don't know. When did he become Enrico Suave with all the soft voice and hot caressing? I don't know. And when did she start checking out his ass when he's not looking and basically giving him the old "You suck at everything so you better show me I'm wrong" vibe? I don't know. But, again, I DON'T CARE!! I like it.

Now that's kvelling. Here's a little more:


I love Viki being Viki but she's being a dumbass with the money thing. I love David being funny as shit and not an idiot...well, not really. I love his reality show and how he yells at his cameraman. I love how he's filming everyone and no one seems to know and you know, it's going to go crazy when it's shown. I love Dorian being a bitch again.

I don't even hate the kids. I think Danyeller, the Pill Popping Slut, is amusing and Matthew is adorable but a little prick- which makes him interesting. He's going to be nailing her in about ten minutes, BTW. And Jeff and Destiny are cute, as long as she doesn't try to act. But she looks good.

So, that's my kvelling. And it's only Wednesday. Who knows what tomorrow brings? But, you know what? I don't care. Because I know it will be great. And that makes me a happy fan.

No name calling here. But watch your step. Addison'll turn on ya. Ask Frank.

How To Ruin A Soap in One Year: The Craptini Method

Listen, my children, and you shall hear the tale I've been told only took a year. It's about obsession and hubris and a lack of respect. It's about dumbass twats and the destruction they've left. Okay, that's about as good as I get at rhyming and crap poetry. But, hey, what can you do? It's fun. Doctor Seus for the evil set of daytime fans. So, here's my list. How to Ruin a Show in One Year, The Craptini Method: 1) Make Your Leading Man Look Like a Doofus: Look at this: Too Late for Delousing WTH did they do to Easton? He has never looked so bad. He seems happy but I've never seen him look like a complete dweeb....until now. Isn't he supposed to be the sexy one? Isn't he the one who is supposed to be sexing up the Aging Playmate, Monaco? What happened there? He looks like Beeker from The Muppet Show or the other scientist. Or Jerry Lewis from The Nutty Professor. Whatever it is, I ain't got no time for that!! Is this part of the master plan to disguise him as NOT John McBain? Or is there more going on? Is this part of rerunning every story with brief tweeks? Is he now the "special" McBain? Oh, wait, that's Dieter. Which leads to the next point: 2) Try to Use Actors Who Seem to Have Split Loyalty: Badly Needs Delousing AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I hear he doesn't even know his own name. That seems fitting as I also hear Howarth's doing his patented "slow" version of Todd- meaning Special Needs Victor- for Dieter. That's nice...only not. I guess even the actor knows this is retarded so he decided to play it that way. PPSSST- Craptini, Howarth's screwing you!!!! Everyone sees it but you. He's taking your money and doing shit work and then he's being spectacular on the show you tried to kill and it's airing AT THE SAME TIME!!! You morons. That makes your show look like Saved By the Bell....or Mad TV's  version of a soap. Not only is he great there everyday playing the quintessential version of the character that made him popular but I hear he will be going back not just once but over and over and over and you see where this is going? He's showing the audience how bad your show is and selling his. That's not very loyal, huh? But you keep your Big Fish. You know, they often bite the hand that feeds them. And with this new look, he does look like a shark. 3) Feature Actresses Your Audience Hates: Delousing Required ASAP But May Not Be Possible Anymore This is a nobrainer. If you want to ruin a show, you should just make the focal point a young actress with limited ability who everyone that watches your show thinks is horrible. They hate her. Like, really hate her. The names are so mean, even I won't say them. But if you care about this kid, you'll usher her off. They hate her....like a lot....like seriously. And she's not very good. Her whole fanbase now is about 90 people, it seems, at least those who are on twitter. That's all she got interested in "trending" her magnificent return. It was kind of sad. Not only wasn't anyone interested in helping her promote, they hated her return and wish the worst on her. The old fans turned out to be fans of her onscreen parents, I think, or consider her a traitor now. I don't. But I only report the facts. And thems the facts. Ms. Thang may have seen her day.  I can't give this advice enough- a good liberal arts education is needed here. She needs a class in logic STAT! But, I digress. I can't help trying to help. It's the teacher in me. At any rate, only about 90 people RT'd her request to shout out the excitement. That's sad. I have to admit that's a slow day for me here at Addison and I'm a nobody.  Sorry, Ms. Thang, it don't look good for you. Beg, plead, do what you have to do, but get your ass back to Connecticut. And get in line to be deloused right after Howarth. He'll be easier this time. His hair is gone. Maybe you should look into surgical methods. But, maybe you still have a chance. Just be careful- there's danger ahead. What's that sucking I hear? Oh, it's your career heading down the drain. 4) Give the People Nothing of What They Want: Claim you'll feature Vets and old stories people want. Announce you're bringing back Vets for said storylines. Then, when they appear, make them unrecognizable, backburner them, destroy them, and then usher them off in disgrace.That's a winning formula for destruction. You don't have time for the stars of this show. You need to focus on stars of other shows and try to recreate them. That's the idea. Shit on what you have while you try to get back what you lost. That's normal.......only not. 5) Focus Your Show on A Condiment as Opposed to Real Stories: What else can be said about this? If you want to ruin a show, this is how to do it. Remember the great Ketchup storyline on AMC? Or the fabulous Salsa days event on DOOL? You don't? Know why? Because they didn't exist!!! Because they're stupid. I do remember a pie making contest on OLTL when it's network days were running out. Guess who wrote that crap? I'll clue you in- NIMNUTS!! He seems to be obsessed with food themes on shows. Maybe he should eat more and leave the food out of the scripts. I love how my funny recapper is calling Dieter "Mustard Man"!! Now that's clever. Pay attention, Nimnuts. That's smart snark as opposed to having an intern near Dieter named Todd. That's stupid and petty and shows how bitter you are. But I digress. So Dieter- or Special Needs Franco as I'm seeing him be called, SNF for short- is a "condiment saboteur" as my recapper says. WOW!! High drama. I can't believe I missed that action on the same day Victor tried to kill Todd again by pulling some creepy Ninja move and Todd went down-in a nonsexual way- and Jack found him. I can't believe I was watching that psycho brotherly drama when I could have been watching Slow Franco spike the relish and make that cow, Mario Batalli, vomit. I'm so sorry I missed it...only not. How could I have been riveted to the sibling rivalry going off the rails and the re-emergence of the father/son relationship as Todd lays lifeless on the ground when I could have been watched SNF spike the relish? How could I be interested in watching Victor  admit he tried to poison Todd as Todd gasps for air and then Victor strangles him, leaves him for dead, and tells him to burn in Hell? I could be watching talk show hosts vomit due to the Mustard Man's misdeeds. I must be stupid. The fascination with this crap is brilliant. It's by far the best way I've ever seen anyone tank a show. And it works so quickly. Especially when you add it to this slick move: 6) Have as Special Guests the Cast of the Show That Tanked the Form You Allegedly Want to Save: Oh, God, need I explain? Soap fans hate The Chew, in general. And you're using them for sweeps? What? And no one is more nauseating physically than Mario Batalli. He's fat and sweaty and orange and everything that's NOT sexy. Oh, but that's the idea. You made your appealing leading men really icky, too. See above. Dieter is icky.  Whoever the other guy is is icky. They didn't look too bad before. Howarth still looks okay as Todd. I guess this is the new strategy. Ugly people all the time. Turn off the audience and give them bad stories. I get it. Here's more evidence of that: Delousing No Longer an Option and this: 7) Become an Object of Fun for Those You Tried to Destroy Who are Kicking Your Ass: This was RT'd by the official OLTL Twitter account and actors: imasoapfan ‏@imasoapfan 2h  Symptoms of arsenic poisoning: blondening of hair, red shoelaces, becoming a relish poisoner. #OLTL #GH Now that's bad. Really bad. It means they're laughing at how bad your show is and the audience and actors are joining in. That means you're the loser....get it? But if you really want to tank your show, this is the best way: 8) Let the Writer with the Attitude Problem Respond to the Audience: I never thought that Nimnuts could outdo his notorious tweet to the OLTL fan that started all the fun. This was when the fan was complaining and he responded thusly:  "Maybe this show isn't for you".  Allrighty then. I guess not. But, ya know what, no audience, no show. It seems that no one thinks this show is for them. It's universally hated.  And, I guess, it's getting under Nimnut's thin skin. I saw this today: Steve Eaves ‏@DaNkInator 47m @carlivatiron You deserve mad props for making #GH completely unwatchable during May sweeps. What is this garbage Ron Carlivati Ron Carlivati ‏@carlivatiron 2h @DaNkInator Get a life, Steve.  OMG, someone get him off the computer. If he wants Steve to get a life, I'm sure he will. You're pushing him to it. And if Steve gets a life, he'll be too busy to watch your stupid show. Again, logic, Dumbass- no viewers, no show, no job, no money, no life for you. I predict Steve will get a life. A good one. It might be "One Life" and he'll live it. On Hulu. If I knew who Steve was, I'd tell him myself. But if any of you do, give him the message from me. I don't tweet. I'm a twat who knows better. Unlike Nimnuts.

One More Reason to Watch OLTL: The Horror of GH!!

The Horror! The Horror!! My eyes!! My eyes!!I can't take it. Make it stop or I'll never be the same.

Is it a plane crash? No. Is it a mass shooting? No. Is it a terrible car accident with multiple casualties? No. What, then, you may ask, is so horrible that it makes me run in fear for my well being. Easy.

 It's GH. Those who are exposed to it will never be the same. It's worse than a cholera epidemic.  And just as messy.

It's a nightmare. Make it stop! This new promo is, literally, the worst thing I've ever seen yet I hear the show is even worse than that, if it's possible.  But, in an America's Next Top Model way, it's also the best. It's the worst thing I've ever seen but also is the funniest. It's so bad, it's great.

Someone call Chelsea Handler. There's a new show ready to be mocked. It's GH in all it's glory. Alderson is too bad for words and Howarth? Well, this makes me miss Paul Ryan. And I hated Paul Ryan. Thank God Todd's back and is for the duration, I hear. Otherwise, I'd have to advise Howarth's loved ones to check him in to St. Anne's. He'd be certifiable if he chose this shit over OLTL. It's cringeworthy.

I said it before but it's coming true. Ron Carlivati and Frank Valentini really are the Ed Wood of daytime. They've turned a classic show with a lot of cache into a silly joke full of camp and hideously bad ideas. They're a joke. GH is the Plan Nine from Outer Space of daytime drama.  I guess that makes Howarth Bela Lugosi? Or is it Easton? Easton is into the vampire thing, so maybe it's him.

This is so amusing. As these two dufuses- or is it dufi?- tried to torpedo OLTL, they did, in fact, create the polar opposite of what they are fighting. They are making the worst show in daytime history as they attempt to destroy what may arguably be the best show in daytime history. And that's too funny for words. Karma, according to Todd Manning, is a vicious bitch.

I especially love how all the asskissers in the "press" are turning on these two. What happened to Nimnut's brilliance, Guys? What happened to all that glowing rhetoric and over the top adoration? Oh, I know. It's over. Why is that? Why are these two morons being abandoned by their minnions? I think I know. It's because it's apparent that their shit is just that- shit. In the face of a highly superior product, the truth is now being told. It's not about how good these guys are- it's about how good the cast of OLTL was when handed crap. 

This is something I always said. The cast of OLTL could take any piece of crap and turn it into gold. They could take this shit and make it sing. They did that. This is why OLTL was not this spectacular for years. It was good but not great. They had nothing to work with there. Now, when they do, they're knocking it out of the park. And on GH, it's the shit it should be. Pure crap.

Thank you, ABC, for proving me right. OLTL was great because of the characters and the actors and in spite of the "creative" team. The cast is top notch if they could make Nimnut's crap sing. There's no way any other group could do it. Kudos to the GH vets as they're trying really hard. It's just not working.

I, of course, am not watching. But my funny recapper tells me that this relish thing is an embarassment. They should be ashamed of what they're doing to Jane Elliot. She's supertalented and a legend. They have some nerve making her into a joke. They're doing to her what they did to Strasser. Thank God PP is re-establishing Dorian as the treasure she is. No one deserves to be degraded like this. Tracy's not a joke. She's a strong, interesting character. She's not an object of fun. What's next for her?Mass Gay Wedding?

These two schmucks are the joke. They're sickening. They need to be run out of the industry on a rail. I love that they're being screwed by their prize pig- Howarth. Not sure if he's doing it on purpose or not, but he's showing the world, all over the screen, how truly untalented these guys are. He's so fucking great as Todd on OLTL- layered and interesting and often not even speaking but saying everything- and then we see this crap with Dieter or whoever the hell he is. It's truly eye-opening. It just shows what a pathetic joke this show has become.

I'd be sad if I weren't so highly amused. And if I didn't have OLTL. Get 'em, Dieter, and  (cringe) KIKI!! ACK! Go, show the world. It's truly a sight to see. 

Alderson better get on her knees and beg PP to take her back. If they're looking to cast GH, 2.0, I don't think Kiki's gonna make the cut. As my recapper would say, she's a mess. And, as for Alderson not wanting to go back to OLTL full time, "Heifer needs to take a seat". Many of them. But, if she doesn't bail soon, I think she will. On the unemployment line. I hear in LA, there's an express there for former child stars.

Hey, Ms. Thang, I hear Walmart may be hiring. Kiki will fit in well there. No "Starrs" need apply.

The Tad Deficit and the OLTL Habit: If Loving You is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right....

Okay, so I feel as if I’m a cheerleader and an asskisser as I can’t get enough of OLTL. I admit it. I’m addicted to OLTL 2.0. 

I’m thinking of entering a recovery program for people who can’t control their OLTL watching.  “Hello, my name is Addison and I’m a OLTL addict. It's been two hours since my last viewing….” Nah, that doesn’t sound right.  I don’t think I’ll look for a support group because, well, I don’t want to!! If it’s wrong, I don’t want to be right. I admit I watched OLTL on my phone, which I keep by my bed, at 5 am. Yeah, I said it. What about it? It’s the first thing I did Thursday morning. Maybe it’s a compulsion but I can control it….if I want to…..and I don’t. 

But I waited until Friday to watch the whole week of AMC. And it’s now Sunday morning and I still haven’t watched them all. I got through two. I haven’t seen the others yet. I have to admit that I FF’d, as best I can on Hulu+, for both episodes. If there was not a Vet in the scene, I wasn’t interested. I can’t do it. I can’t sit through these kids.

Now, look, this is just my opinion. I love the David/Angie/Jesse stuff. I really do. It’s spectacular. The look on David’s face when he looks at Angie is wonderful. It’s a combination of admiration and respect and good ole sentiment. It’s a relationship I loved on the ABC version and love even more on PP. It’s wonderful. There’s a genuine warmth between the characters and it comes from years of hate. Like me, Angie can’t get away from David’s positive attributes. He’s so damn endearing when he wants to be!

I do love Jesse in anything. After the nightmare that was Y&R, it’s so great to see Jesse again. He’s front and center and in control. Darnell Williams is not only a terrific actor but so damn likable, you just want to kiss him on the face!!! He’s a sweetheart on screen. I just love him. 

I wish I could say more than that…but I can’t. Brooke’s a purseholder and Adam’s a bit player. I know that DC probably isn’t interested in working much, he’s no kid, but I’d love to see some good Adam Chandler show through. I saw a minute when he told JR what a loser he was….which is true. He sucks!! But I miss old Adam- wily, amusing, master of all. I’m just not seeing that much yet. But, as I said before, I’m patient.

I was never a Zach fan but I liked him and Kendall. Yet without her, he’s floating. I saw some interest with Bianca when he spoke of her but, other than that, he’s walking through the scenes without being very interesting or engaged. I just don’t find him necessary. And Bianca was always a big bore to me. She’s way too young to have a teenage kid, IMO.

Dixie is fine but I’ve thought CM was playing Rosanna more at times when she returned than Dixie. Maybe I never really liked Dixie without Tad. I remember one episode, years ago, where Tad dreamed of his life had Dixie lived. I think he went to heaven, or something, and it was one of the sweetest, most touching scenes ever. I loved it and cried. AMC is the only soap that makes me cry, except for Viki’s monologue on OLTL’s finale week, but I cried like crazy for that fantasy scene. And, thinking back on it, it seems to make sense and is showing me what I’m missing. 

Tad the Cad

Tad.

This show needs Tad. I said that the first week but, damn it, it needs Martins. I see Joe and I’m so happy but it makes me miss Tad. I miss him all the time. When I see Jesse with Zach, I miss Tad. When I see Joe with Dixie, I miss Tad. When I see Adam with JR, I miss Tad. I can’t believe it but I guess I never really understood how important he was. I just am not feeling AMC without Tad. Who would have thought it.  The heart and soul of AMC, for me, anyway, is Tad "the Cad" Martin.

I’ll support AMC as it means much more to me than a TV show. I’ll watch it and what they do have is very good. It’s just not for me unless it’s about the grown ups. I can’t care about Miranda or Peter or AJ or the newbie chick. SO not interested. But I’ll support David and Angie and Jesse and Adam. I have to do it. They’re not my children but in some ways, they’re all my family. I’m losing so many in the real world, I need to hold on to what I can get in the “reel” world.

I heard Billy Clyde Tuggle appears this week and THAT is must see TV…or whatever. But he’s the best. He’s funny and evil and crazy and all the good things soap bad guys are made of.

 I’ve loved him since he loved Es-telle and his “lil girl”, Emily Ann, even though I was Benny’s bitch. Yet, again, he’ll make me miss Tad. I think they killed one another once and I think that means they’re responsible for one another forever, in soap world anyway. 

And maybe he’s holding Tad somewhere and he’ll be revealed soon.I know, he's on the phone with Dixie, but maybe, just maybe, he'll burst in to take out Billy Clyde!  I can’t be less interested in Cassandra or human trafficking. Now if he’s selling off Tad’s old ass, then I’ll be engaged. I hope he’s not dressed in a chicken suit, though. That was not Tad’s best look and he wouldn’t be a big seller. But I'll be there to see Mr. Tuggle and I'm sure I won't be disappointed in that.

I have to admit that it’s probably for the best that I’m not as enthused about AMC as I am about OLTL. I think I’d probably never get anything done if I was addicted to two shows. It would be overwhelming. I’m having a hard enough time keeping up my OLTL habit as it is. At this moment, I’m a functioning OLTL addict. I can make it through the day watching it twice. But if I were a fullblown TOLN soap addict, then there’d be hell to pay. I might have to go on disability……