Hypochondria and Hysteria in the Middle Aged Female: MS, ALS, and OLTL

Okay, so life is chaos.  In the past two weeks, I’ve only stopped running around for an overwhelming anxiety attack. I’ve had several. Really. I’m so caught up in real life crap, I’m only sitting when I’m on a train or working or spazzing or all of the above. 

I’ve got so much online work, I’ve developed carpal tunnel and for about three days, I swore I had MS. Okay, I cried to my friends that I had MS. As they helped me move boxes and stage a house and drink wine, they assured me I did not have that horrible, crippling disease. I agreed. At that point in my frenzy, I suggested ALS which is even worse. Isn’t it ironic that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig’s Disease…who said that? I don’t know but it’s so damn funny.  

But I digress from my digression.

So, being a soap fan, I thought my friends were humoring me. Needless to say, I was sure I was on my way to complete debilitation and cried and moved and cried and blamed God, who I don’t  really believe in anyway. And then cried some more and drank wine. And cried. Until I got use of my hand back, in a way. So, I guess it was carpal tunnel. Either that or a soap writer is manipulating my life and I’ve had a miracle, instacure. I can be sure Ronnie Boy is not involved. He’d kill me off.

But I digress…and type with two fingers… as I’m starting to get use of my hand back. I guess I don’t have MS or ALS…as far as I know. What do I have? A desire to tell the world how much I loved OLTL today and have taken the time to sit down and praise it. Let’s call it a two finger tribute, I guess, to celebrate my lack of infirmity. 

So, here goes, Ten Reasons to Love OLTL:

  

  #1: I love that this is a true ensemble. 

      Everyone was in it and firing on all cylinders. It was great. I loved the Buchanan family dinners with Dorian and Natalie and Tea’s help. I just loved all the interaction. We got that so rarely as Valentini wouldn’t pay them all to be in scenes together. It was not only fun but real and important.

  

            #2: I loved that this isn’t “The Todd Manning Show”! 

      Really. I’m a huge Todd fangurl but, boy, I don’t miss him when he’s only a supporting player. I love it that Bo has almost as much of a role as Todd. And David. And Clint is heating up. And all the guys are there most of the time. I like that there’s stories not about Todd. That’s refreshing to say the least.

   #3: I love that I love these people completely. 

      Even the kids. I don’t really mind Danyeller…at this point. But she’s on probation. The first sound of screeching and she’s on the shit list. I don’t like her but I don’t mind her. I love nu-douchey-Matthew. He’s a doll! And he’s interesting. And Cutter and Jeffrey who doesn’t even feel as if he’s a newbie. But he could stop calling Viki “Boss”. It’s irritating. This isn’t “Lou Grant”, it’s a soap. I hated “Lou Grant” but I loved “The Mary Tyler Moore Show”. Get back to basics. Oh, and writers, we know you’re well informed. Lay off the Ezra Klein stuff. I know who he is. Viki should, as well. She’s no Katherine Graham, huh?

   #4: I love that people are not just plot points but actual people. 

      Their lives are complex and they have emotions and feelings and can express them. They actually have pasts that matter and work on their issues. We see it. We hear it. We aren’t told about it, we are watching it happen. People aren’t acting grossly out of character for a sweeps stunt. It’s refreshing.

   #5: I love that “mature” actors are relevant and not jokes. 

      I love that Dorian is hot to David…even though I agree with Matt- EEEWWW! But I love that Viki has a story and is vulnerable. I love that Nora is not a run of the mill DA but a complex woman who loves her family but is bored with life. And, my God, she’s such a Jew broad! I love that, too. The way she deals with Matthew, calling him her ‘baby’ today. Oy Vey, I expected her to pinch his cheek and call him “Bubula”. I love that Clint is such an ass but not completely evil. AND HOT!!

        #6: I love that David is funny as hell but not a joke. 

      

      He’s just funny. He’s not to be laughed at but laughed with. He’s amusing. He’s not stupid. He’s vain and kind of ridiculous but real. That’s the point. David makes me laugh because he’s fun, not a buffoon.

  

       #7: I love that Natalie is adorable and sweet but also tough. 

      It’s okay to be the tough girl who has issues. I love that she’s smart but vulnerable. I believed everything about her today. She’s not one note. She’s not a bitch and she’s not an angel. She’s a person who had to fend for herself but she’s scared and hurt and lost. And that’s okay. She’s Viki and Clint’s kid. She’s so much like them but her own person at the same time. I see her crying over having MS when it’s not true but she’d keep loading that truck with boxes just the same. I bet she wouldn’t have three Kitchenaid mixers and two Cuisnart Ice Cream Makers and three Blenders and five sets of dishes. But she doesn’t live at the beach. They’re necessary!! I’m not defensive………….

#8: I love that all the characters feel real and not like they’re cartoons. 

      I don’t see any one dimensional character in sight. They’re all complicated and strong…or weak…or both. They’re people I know and act like they should. I love that Todd’s grown and Blair’s grown but Dorian still hates him and the idea of them. I love her hate. It’s heartwarming in a demented way because, know what, it’s real. I love her derision and the mutual disgust when they’re in the same room. It’s lovely and it feels like home!!

        #9: I love that Valentini’s red pen isn’t involved in the show. 

     We have actual actors in scenes and not cheapass newbies who have good abs. I can sit through every show- all of them- and not feel short changed. I don’t have legacy characters prop bullshit newbies because they’re cheaper to work with the higher priced actors. I don’t have to look at empty sets because he can’t afford extras. And, more than anything, I don’t see a show built around cheap, young talent to keep the bottom line low and the hotness factor high. I don’t need hot bodies. I need actors with talent who aren’t icky. That’s enough. Icky can even be okay in the right part.

        #10: I love that Nimnuts is nowhere to be found. 

      He can’t play bullshit instalove with nonsensical couples. He can’t rewrite history because it works for his purposes. He can’t humiliate actors and characters and the crew. In other words, he can’t do what he does best- destroy legacy characters and degrade the genre. Mostly, he can’t sneer at the audience and the show he claims to love. Have fun on Twitter, Ron, it’s where you shine. And it’s about as close to OLTL as you’ll ever get.

So, it seems my near-debilitation scare made me love life more than before. Well, at least “One Life”. I guess I don’t have MS or ALS or even Addison’s Disease. I guess it would be ironic if Addison got Addison’s disease. But, unlike JFK, I don’t have it. As far as I know. 

Maybe I should call Dr. Hayward. I could use a little bedside manner. Yet I do see a light at the end of the tunnel, or should I say the carpal tunnel? No matter. You’ve been down one tunnel, you’ve been down them all. 

It’s a good thing Nimnuts isn’t writing my little drama. I’m sure he’d write me off in the worst way possible. He’d bore me to death. But my doctor would be shirtless and young and straight out of the Copa Cabana School of Acting. Valentini would be producing, ya know.