The Coming of the Soap Opera Apocalypse: Lawlessness

They say that the first signs of  the apocalypse are

• wars on a global scale
• famine
• pestilence (sickness and disease)
• lawlessness (crime)
• people having no love for one another
• earthquakes

Now, I'm not a Christian but I feel this is relevant to the discussion of the soap opera.  I saw the ratings from last week and I truly believe the end is near.  And every one of these things is happening in some form or another on screen.  Let's take them one by one, each with its own post.  I'll start with "lawlessness" as I fear my friend, Bo Brady, may not be long for this world.  So, let's start with that.

Lawlessness (crime)

I wanted to start here as I think this is a serious issue that has caused the demise of the soap opera.  Don't any of these douchebags pay for anything anymore?  I mean, what's the point of having the patented "good guy" when he can't take down the "bad guy" to some extent?  What good are Bo Brady or Bo Buchanan when Sonny the Dim and Jason the Dull are allowed to run rampant for about a decade?

Now, let's be clear. I loves me some bad guys.  They are, by nature, the most interesting. In fact, my favorite three male characters are all considered "bad guys".  But they aren't all black hats.  They don the grey fedora once in a blue moon. I've been down this road so many times, I don't feel the need to go there again. I'll simply reference anyone who's confused to "The Problem with GH: It's the Men, Stupid".  Yet all three of them, Todd, Adam, and David, have paid. They've lost quite a bit, been maligned, scorned, and imprisoned.  Hell, Todd even had his life stolen by his slow brother and was imprisoned at the same time. I'd say that's punishment.  He now has to deal with Tea.  That's punishment enough.

But many of these guys NEVER pay.  Take Victor Newman.  Please.  Okay, that's an old, bad Henny Youngman joke but what can I say? I'm borscht belt Jew deep down.  At any rate, Victor Fucking Newman never pays. He always keeps his money. He always gets his family back.  He just, well, gets away with everything.

Then, there are the real criminals. I know, white collar crime is as real a crime as any other, but, for the sake of argument, let's say they aren't.  The gruesome twosome on GH are disgusting for so many reasons but the crimes they commit never seem to land them in the hoosegow.  Like ever. Now, I may be wrong, but they both have people who love them and stick by them and they have nice penthouses and, well, they think they have nice clothes.

Why the hell aren't they in prison for a while?  Jason the Dull- and fat- is a hitman, for God's sake.  Why does he get to walk around and hang out with the peeps at Kelly's?  He's a fucking murderer!!! And it's not like the people he killed were done so by accident- see Todd and Suede Pruitt- or via delusion- see Todd and SNV- or even crimes of passion- see every other murder. He's a cold blooded murderer for pay and everyone knows it.  Put him in fucking jail, for God's sake.  At least off my screen!!

So, if we have to look for signs of the Soap Opera Apocalypse, it's here and going strong.  It's a lawless cesspool in Port Charles and the "leads" are perpetrating them.  They're the Perps, my God, and it's clear that this should not be the case.  Look, no matter how funny I find Todd or how fascinating I find Adam or how charming and brilliant and hot I find David, they've had to pay for their crimes.  David's lost his medical license about a million times.  Todd's been in jail so often that he has his own wing.  Adam's lost everything over and over and having a snot-nose son like JR is punishment enough, if you ask me.  But, Port Charles?  Hell, it's not even the Urban Frontier.  It's too dull.  But it's lawless, all right.  

I swear, does anyone pay for their crimes anymore?  I have a sneaking suspicion that Sonny and Jason may actually have to face the music, but unless you're a big baddy, you don't pay.  Now, sometimes, I can deal with that as it makes the show more interesting with these guys on the canvas.  But, come on.  There must be something to law and order.  Without it, we don't have my favorite Bo's- as in Brady and Buchanan.  And I don't like good guys.  But, hey, how could you not love them?

Bo Brady is just, well, a doll. I can't put it any more plainly. He's still kinda cute and he's sweet and he's tough and he's smart and he's loyal....and did I say I love him?  Maybe you missed it.

How can you not love him?  He's just, well, everything that's good! And not even a little cheesey or boring.

Bo Buchanan- may he rest in peace- was spectacular. Not as cute as Bo Brady but quintessential law man. Ethical, smart, loving, caring, tough.  Just exactly who you'd want watching over your town.
 

Now, if that doesn't choke you up, you're either evil or dead.  You choose. How can you NOT love him?

Where are they now?  Well, Bo Buchanan's in soap heaven- why not bring HIM to Port Charles, ASSWIPES- and I hear Bo Brady's on his way there, as well. Sigh. I can't bear that one....................

Of course, clear the few canvases of the good guys who actually uphold the law. Who'd want that?  They have Mac on GH.  Yeah, he's nice, no offense to the actor who I'm sure is a lovely man and a caring human being, but he's a twit who's always outdone by Thusgy and Fatso the Hitman.   Sorry, I think Burton is too chunky for daytime.  When they wear black t-shirts, there's a reason.  Steroids or no, he needs a diet- or deflating.  

The Cops on Y&R don't exist- dayplayers, at best.  Where's the Jesse Hubbards- sigh- who are cool and hip and uphold the law?  GH had them back in the day- the Robert Scorpios or Shawn Donnellys?  Talk about cool and hip!!! They're gone. And, it seems, so are our shows. All that's left is low talker McBain, the neurotic.  That's not gonna work.

Sign #1 of the Soap Opera Apocalypse- Lawlessness.  Coming up next- Wars on a Global Scale.  Watch out, Fans, you're on the hot seat!!!

It's "Make It Work" Time: Project Runway Meets GH!

I came up with this title in homage to Tim Gunn, who I love. And I give him special dispensation for his time on the retched "The Revolution".  It seems Tim and company couldn't "make it work", but who didn't know that was coming?  Yet I applaud Tim Gunn for, well, being Tim Gunn as I relish the failure of the show, not him.

Yet Tim's catch phrase is particularly fitting for Mr. Valentini, as well. It's time for him to "make it work" and his time is limited. I'd say his time is REALLY limited, but that's my opinion and based on nothing but logic, various facts, and a mindful eye on ABC business practice and ethics. In other words, I think these guys could yank this show so fast, it would make his head spin. And I have no doubt they will possibly with no real warning. Soon enough, maybe sooner rather than later, he'll get the word he's given so many others so many times. "Thank you for your years of service and we wish you luck in future endeavors".  Now, get the hell out.

It's time, Frankie Boy, to make it work. If not, you'll be sitting home with what I imagine to be a well funded 401K and stock portfolio.  But you'll be sitting home. And I kind of doubt that's what you have in mind.  You're a little young to retire.  So, Dude, what will you do?  What can you save?  Anything? Nothing? Something new?  I guess we'll see.

I have a vision of Valentini having Howarth, Easton, and Alderson on contract and paying them himself. He'll just have them, that's all, and no one else can get them.  Maybe Howarth and Alderson can come over and have Todd have conversations with Starr in Valentini's living room.  Now that might make a good podcast! Maybe they can sell "personal"shows, tailor made for the audience by request.  I've had "Cinderella" come to birthday parties.  Maybe the Mannings can come to your house and have a fight for pay.  I'm sure they could at least a couple grand for that!

But, seriously, I'm fascinated to see where this is going.  It should be apparent that GH is a massive loser at this point. It's got the stink of the loser on it and it's not going away.  As I've said ad infinitum, it needs to be put out of its misery. It's a nightmare.  It's worse than AMC in its final form. It's awful.  Oh, and did I say it's bad?  I hope you got that.  It's not good. Can anything be saved from it?  I doubt it.


Not only are the characters depressed, the actors seem depressed, as well.  I expect Maurice Bernard to burst out crying in every scene, and not because Sonny's having problems. Dude looks depressed!!  That Burton looks so pissed it's as if he'd rather be having oral surgery than be on screen. And that Laura Wright appears to be so nervous that she's getting the jitters.  I think she knows what's coming.....and it ain't "Codd". That's for sure. It's a pink slip!!

All the actors are exuding what this is: a death watch.  Well, all of them except the OLTL actors. I find that fascinating.  Easton seems re-energized at times. Lozano's being over the top, as usual, and even more smug, as that's Tea's way.  She's a charmer....only not.   Alderson's giving it a little too much.  And Howarth is being Todd- on hold to some extent but shining in his scenes with Ghost Blair with him all the time.  I think like his alter-ego, he's waiting for "his" show to come on.  Yet, even with the lower energy I see from him, he's head and shoulders over the dismal Paul Ryan years.  At least he's in character completely. It's just that the character is waiting for, well, something. But, he's Todd waiting anyway.

And what's he waiting for?  And why is he there?  I've been perplexed by that from the beginning. What the hell is he doing there?  What's the plan?  Why sign on to a dying show?  Howarth was one of the only ones smart enough to know that Prospect Park was a sham.  Besides TSJ, who didn't seem to be asked, he was the major player who said "No, thanks", as well as Alderson.  If he could smell that loser out, then why sign on with the show on life support?  I don't get it. 

There's only one answer.  They know something. There's something going on here and I have a sneaking suspicion the cast and crew of GH aren't a part of it, or even aware of it.  They're too afraid, shocked, and confused about everything that happens. They seem to be completely oblivious to what we're all seeing and have been predicting the whole time. GH isn't being saved, it's being killed and mistreated at the expense of OLTL.  How many times do I have to say it?


Look at it this way:  Every story is a rehash- almost word for word- of a OLTL story.  Damn, Nimnuts isn't even trying anymore.  Today, I saw Bo's story play out with Mac.  Word for word.  Step by step.  Johnny's getting the Eli treatment with Ghost Irene as a side dish.  Let's not start on the DID fiasco and the whacko who whacks her therapist.   Is he just taking old scripts and crossing out the names and title with a Flair pen?  It's ridiculous how little time and regard these guys have for this show.

Yet all the cast praise their bosses and the writing, when they're not getting any, and are sure they're not being fired....even though they are!!! Then, it seems to be shocking to them.   And, believe me, they aren't pretending. They can't act that well. This is real shock, desperation, and depression.

It must come down to one thing.  The energy behind the scenes is elsewhere because it sure ain't on that set. Now ask yourself this: Why is KDP tweeting her little heart out again about Todd and Blair and the Mannings?  Why, after months,  is she chatting it all up? Why is JVD talking about how he and Slezak would be on board to bring back their characters to GH?  In other words, what the hell is going on???

In my rather uninformed, Midwestern, academic opinion?  GH is dead.  OLTL is not.  I think Valentini is making one last effort. He's trying to sell OLTL and telling everyone who he needs to go out and promote.  They've got this "Loving Llanview" event all of the sudden. Why?  The AMC ones were right after the show ended, not six months later.  There's chatter with the cast all over lately.  Why? I rarely see anyone from AMC or ATWT or GL out doing interviews.  Why all the OLTL people? 

Look, this may be all in my head- and believe me, there are a lot of sick things in there, so it's possible. It may be nothing but, in my gut, it seems to be leading somewhere.  Is it to Port Charles?  Maybe, for a moment, but I don't see that as a final stop. I think it's headed right back to Llanview. And, as I said six months ago, if we see Viki, it's on.  Well, rumors have her coming back for a stint this summer.  And Todd droned on and on about his gracious sister today. What does that tell you?

May I offer my condolences for the cast and crew of GH.   As if I'm right,  I don't like to see people out of work.  But I didn't see too many tears when the AMC and OLTL cast were thrown out of work.  So,  maybe it's karma.  You had a nice run, but it's over.  And you're being replaced. Whodathunkit? Maybe the real worthy ones will emerge victorious?  And, like Tim Gunn, maybe they'll make it work. As I'm sure that Tim Gunn will return back to where he belongs, with Heidi and Michael and the snarky yet wonderful Nina. He'll make it work for him and maybe our people will, as well.

As Heidi Klumm says, "One day you're in, the next day you're out".  OLTL, you're in.  That means, GH,  you're out.  Auf Wiedersehen.  And don't let the door hit you as you leave.

The OLTL-ifying of GH: Hello, Tracy Quartermaine! Welcome to Llanview.

Okay, I was a big GH fan in the 1980s, as it was required viewing for all us in the teen contingent. But I have to admit that I was not a Luke and Laura fan. If you haven't noticed, "nice" characters rarely intrigue me unless they're complicated like my hero, Viki.  Laura was not for me. I did enjoy Luke, though.  Yet one of my favorites was always Tracy. And I'm happy to report, that hasn't changed. I loves me some Tracy Quartermaine! And now I know why.  She's so interesting, she's almost a OLTL character.  And, now, it seems she is.

I did break and watch one whole show live as the academic year is winding down and, well, it's a hard habit to kick.  I found GH, in general, dull, but the Tracy/Luke/Guy from Hillstreet Blues scenes were really fun.  I think his name is Anthony, but I can't be bothered as he's being killed, obviously, and this show is running on fumes, and, well, I don't care.  At any rate, I was pleasantly surprised by how amusing and interesting Tracy's scenes were. And how LIGHT!

I found that she was as wonderful as ever and Jane Elliot, like wine, improves with time.  Yet I'm not sure she needed improvement as I find her to be on the Slezak/Strasser/Hubbard level of fabulousness.  There's nothing better than a lady with a few years on her that can still bring it like an ingenue.  She's that damn talented and she's the last good thing on that dismal show!  So, I'm going on the record saying that Tracy is the shit!!!I love her and she's being given my top rating.  If there's any future for "Valentini's Folly", as I'll call it, I would love for her to be a part of it.

You see, I'll admit to being biased and old school in my tastes.  But Tracy's character is what soaps used to be. She's not good, she's not bad, she's just, well, complicated. She loves with her whole heart and she's fiercely loyal but she's not opposed to doing what it takes to get the job done.  She's GH's Dorian and, God knows, every show should have one.  Monica used to be her foil back in the day and that was terrific. But, as with everything great on GH, that was abandoned years ago it seems. Someone with a functioning brain cell thought to keep Tracy. That was the one good move made by these idiots over the years.  Yet, in true ABC form, they were probably fired for being too competent.

The Dorian comparison is particularly apt as Mr. Carlivati, or as some call him "Re-Ron", or as I call him "Nimnuts", repeated a classic Tracy scene with Dorian this year.  Dorian withheld Clint's pills when he was having a heart attack and that was a major Tracy moment back in the day.  "Daddy" Edward was having a heart attack and I remember watching Tracy's face as he wriggled around on the floor. With Youtube, now you all can see it. 

Really great stuff.  I remembered that from the initial viewing and it's as good as I thought. Granted, this was all stolen from Queen of all Divas, Bette Davis in The Little Foxes, but they all worked, so, who cares.  Great broads played by great actresses playing grey characters.

That's one of the reasons I say she's a OLTL character.  Maybe she's just more of an old school GH character, but those are all gone and we still had almost all of ours.  Old GH was filled with interesting, complex characters like Monica, Lucy, Alan, Rick, Leslie, Luke, Robert, Anna, Shawn, Tiff, and so forth.  Now, Luke is a shell of what he was- even though with Tracy he was pretty interesting- but the rest are so vapid, they're sleep inducing. 

Really, it's a show filled with Ford Brothers.  It's mind-numbingly dull.  And if Todd doesn't kill that Spinelli kid, I'm going to get on a plane to LA, rent a car, break into the studio, and bitch slap Howarth.  Really.  He needs to die and I'm not interested in watching any other character on that show!! And Todd's murder scenes are so interesting.  Again, the onus is on you, Dude. You have yet to let me down....as Todd anyway.  Maybe Tracy can do it....

At any rate, I digress again. Tracy is what made OLTL great and it seems as if Nimnuts, I mean Ron, is infusing her with the right level of OLTL camp and complexity.  She's attempting to coerce Luke to kill her husband, even though she's willing to do it herself, but why should she get her hands dirty?  Now, she's being blackmailed by not one, but two men, it seems. Luke's demanding a hefty payment for the deed and, I expect, to keep his mouth shut.  That's interesting as it's not just a criminal act, but it's a criminal act that being presented in an amusing way and obviously will backfire. They won't be the ones who killed this guy but the scheming is fun to watch.

That's the point.  OLTL characters were still fun. No one besides Tracy is fun on GH.  They're boring and dark and, well, generally uninteresting.  They lack passion.  They lack depth.  And, really, they lack talent. Sorry, but the truth hurts.  This show sucks!!  The only thing interesting is the OLTL-ified elements.  By that, it's Todd and Tracy with a side dish of Luke.  The rest need to die in a tragic gardening accident. Except maybe that Alexis. I think I might like her.

But, really, kill the rest of them.  They suck!!   Maybe Irene can program Todd to go on a murder spree and blow away the whole town and he can get off with his PTSD defense. Then he can bring in all of Llanview as I hear "elements" of it may be coming soon. 

Oh, and bring back Scotty.  He was amazing.  And Lucy. And "Doc".  Resurrect Alan and have him chase Blair.  That works for me.  I'd love to see him deal with an angry, crazy Todd. Even crazy Todd is a little drab over there.  It's not great.

There you go- suggestions and now go from there.  But, really, besides Tracy, death is the only way to go.  It's that bad.  And if I have to sit through that Twit Spinelli again, it's going to get ugly.  Be careful. I'm off all summer and have a travel account..................

A Provisional "Thumbs Up": A Former Movie Reviewer Chimes in On GH

Okay, I admit it. I caved and watched GH. I looked around the boards, to be sure it was safe, and I saw it was, so I watched it. I even watched it live one day.  I wasn’t excited but I wasn’t let down, although one day did have me applauding again, talking back to the television, and being my silly fangurl self. But, overall, there’s room for improvement, let’s say. But beggars can’t be choosers.

 So for the one scene that made it all worth it.  You guessed it.  The Todd/Tea smackdown.  For a moment, I wondered what show I was watching, as it was so OLTL.  Our actors, our characters, our writer.  And Mannings in jail.  Now that’s OLTL!!!

Now, for someone who is allegedly a huge Tea fan, I’m not sure what Carlivati is going for here. But, then again, I’m never sure what he’s going for as he’s, well, an enigma, I’d say. How’s that for playing nice?  At any rate, she came off as a malicious, shrieking harpy who is out for blood.

Todd, on the other hand, came off as an unrepentant offender who neither regrets nor has guilt about his actions. Yet his delivery made his words seem suspect, as Howarth let the pain and grief come through in how he said the lines, not the words themselves.  But, maybe you have to watch closely to get that…or know Howarth’s Todd.   I believe I saw much to show me Todd’s guilt and regret, but Dude’s got a temper and he was classic Todd. He let her have it and he should have.  She’s out of control.  And I loves me some angry, unforgiving Todd berating someone but this exchange had so much going on below the surface, it was a pleasure to watch.  That’s my guy!!

I did love how he said that he would happily tell the kid he killed Victor. I applauded that and said “Yeah, Todd” out loud . Then he calmly- for him- explained his reason for doing so.  And, although I’m biased, I whole-heartedly agreed.  He actually made a lot of sense and I’m pretty sure a new viewer would agree, as well.  SNV was a douchebag and, now, it seems everyone can know it!  

He then clearly laid out everyone he loved- Blair being first, of course.  At that moment there was that curious edit to Tea and Starr, giving one another a knowing glance, which makes me go “HHMMM”. Why were they so seemingly uncomfortable when he said he loved Blair?  Wasn’t that a given? Makes me think that something’s going on with Blair that’s keeping her away- more than Sam being sick. Is she weakening to Todd already?  What a shock. I’ve said it before, but it’s so fitting. Blair Cramer Manning, a tower of Jell-O, well, when it comes to Todd, anyway.  Poor, lovesick kid.

Tea then clearly explained that he’d “worm his way back into the hearts of his family” and I almost fell off the couch.  What was that about?  An assurance of where we’re headed, as we know Tea’s never wrong.  And when he said that she wasn’t alone as she had Dani and her brother with the funny name, I about fell off the couch again, and I’d just steadied myself.  Maybe I need to see a doctor. I still can’t believe how Carlivati separates that girl from her bio-father. He shows less than no interest in her and, personally, I couldn’t be happier. 

Tea got more and more angry, mixed with her trademark smugness, and  spewed venom, ate hair, and got more shrill by the moment. Okay, she thinks he killed her husband, I get that, and she’s pregnant.  But I still think she hates him for loving Blair more than anything. She was always railing at him. Now, she just has more reason. Here’s a hint- if you want a new audience to like a character, don’t make her a screaming harpy who’s persecuting a love sick, traumatized man who’s lost everything and acted out in a moment caused by PTSD.  That makes her look bad. Although I like Lozano quite a bit, her interpretation of Tea is over the top on a good day. It’s a bit much now, though.  She needs to finesse the new audience, not rip into them on her second day. It’s unsettling and she’s not likable.

Strangely enough, Blair is and she’s not even there.  Maybe that’s why.  But I doubt it. And what’s with the Blair obsession?  I thought Todd was obsessed with her but I wasn’t aware of the fact that the writing staff were, as well.  Aren’t TPTB the ones that said she wasn’t needed and they wanted to “shop Todd around”?  Well, if is this is how they’re doing it, color me confused as I don’t see that happening on my screen.  In fact, I see the opposite.

I see her name coming up daily. I’m not surprised to see Todd get wistful over her, as I assumed Howarth would do that in his interpretation no matter the writing, but I can’t understand the constant reminders that she not only exists, but that her husband- or ex-husband to his chagrin- is completely devoted to her.  Hell, even Carly seems smitten!

The “that’s your other ex-wife” exchange was odd at best, revealing at least. Carly saying she liked Blair better and Todd, swallowing his pain in his pursed lips, saying “Me, too” was so sad and sweet, showing his grief and longing for her.

In fact, as I would have expected but am pleasantly reassured to see, Howarth has taken every opportunity to express Todd’s deep regret in losing her at all and his dedication to get her back. It’s one of the things I love about him. He’s so good at the little moments.  The tone of his voice, the look on his face, the use of silence and sighs.  He’s showing Todd as depressed and lonely and, it seems, truly in love with Blair.  No matter the writing, it always seemed that he could express Todd’s feelings for Blair and nothing’s changed.  Eight years didn’t seem to matter to his interpretation or ability to inhabit Todd completely.  And, it seems, that he’s just moved Todd to a new locale in that regard. For that, I’m thankful…but waiting with a skeptical eye. I don’t trust these guys…yet.

Todd and Carly's scenes were about Blair and Starr and her feelings for Johnny.  I see no heat. I see no passion- except for the ghost of Blair who seems to be in every scene with Todd.  She's not on screen but she's in his eyes, the way he sighs, and the fornlorn looks when he speaks about her.  I'm pretty sure that this is NOT the way you build a potential romance, meaning a man who seems to be pining ceaselessly for his ex-wife who is known to still love him, as well.  So anyone pining for something new for Todd will probably be sadly mistaken.  Even though, I must admit, that I’ve seen only about two people interested. Hell, even Carlivati basically ignored the idea while he went on and on about Sonny/Carly/Johnny.

And, really, Howarth isn’t bringing the flirt. We’ve seen Todd flirt- a lot  in his last stint. He can bring in the Toddian charm when he wants.  He doesn’t want to. That’s obvious.  One never knows what the future holds with these guys but seeing the future is probably about 90 days, I’d say, not happening “Codd” fan.  Sorry.

And this is all I’ll say as an unabashed, unfiltered Todd and Blair fangurl.  If they ain’t bringing Blair back, they’re pulling a fast one and making themselves look like idiots. But, I put nothing past them. Yet, if I were the betting kind, I’d say it’s a safe bet Blair’s back…and with a vengeance.  Maybe, just maybe, this could be an interesting show. If they get Viki, too!

I’m not sure how I feel about the rest of GH, as I think it’s all dark and drab and uninteresting.  I think “integrating” these characters into one show, though, is still a mistake as there is a glaring difference between them. Well, not all of them. Some of them.  I think John works as a GH character because although I find Easton likable and have nothing against him at all, I think the character is drab and dark and uninteresting. So, he’s perfect.  The only time I thought he was entertaining was when he was in scenes with Howarth or DePaiva.  Interesting.  I guess they make everyone better.

But, in general, all I see is a lot of talk about nothing with characters I find unappealing.  Except Tracy, who’s still as fabulous as she was in the 1980’s.  That Jane Elliot is so good, she’s  OLTL caliber!! But I digress and that’s the topic for my next entry. 

The Parody and the Cartoon Villian: It's About Respect, Stupid!

Everyone enjoys a little fun now and then, don't we? If we are fans of the daytime scripted genre, we know it's called a "soap opera" and that very name connotes over the top content produced for commercial purposes.  "Soap" being a reference to the commercial companies that started this whole mess.  And "opera" being the height of over the top content, a lot of noise and drama and great costumes and excitement and no one really knows what the hell they're talking about.  So, the name alone, "soap opera" demands that the form not take itself too seriously.  But, in the end, there's parody and there's self-reflexive content and then, there's cartoon.  What often is passed off as "parody" is in fact cartoon and degrades the form, the actors, and the audience.  And, like everything else, it's killing this genre.

Now, there have been moments of straight parody that, IMO, have worked well. I may be in the minority in terms of OLTL fans, but I loved "Fraternity Row" as a stand alone episode.  The storyline that existed in the show, however, was self-reflexive but rather moronic.  By "self-reflexive", I mean that it is how the form talks back to itself.  It's how the form speaks to its own conventions and makes comments on them.  Often, this is done via mocking, but other times it is not.

Parody, on the other hand, lampoons the nature of the genre. Parody is by nature self-reflexive, but it does so from a place of fun and a large chunk of sarcasm.  The Fraternity Row episodes joked with the audience. It told them that we all know how silly this stuff is but we all enjoy it, don’t we? It made fun of bad acting and stupid stories and ridiculous characters. It was, in my mind, one instance of good, clean fun between the creative team, the actors, and the audience. I know I laughed my ass off!!

However, the cartoon nature of some of the “serious” content has gotten ridiculous. The real victim of this cartooning is the role of the villain.  Rather than being a serious threat to the town or the hero and heroine, the villain has become a scenery chewing cartoon.  Take, for example, Stefano DiMera of DOOL.  Once a truly frightening character, Stefano has become the elder statesman of cartoon villains with outrageous powers and a vendetta against, well, everyone, and a seemingly endless supply of vendetta-producing zeal.  Really, I don’t get it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Stefano.  I think it may be due to nostalgia and the actor. I just, well, like him and he’s been the scourge of Salem for so long, it was just be wrong to be without him.  But I don’t even remember why he hates them all. I don’t get it. I know it’s about the Bradys and something but, honestly, I don’t care.

The odd thing is the way they make him almost the patriarch of villains. We see him hanging at the mansion with whoever he’s married to and with his kids and so forth. It’s kind of creepy because, if I’m not mistaken, he’s supposed to be the Lex Luthor of Salem, not Todd Manning.  I mean, he’s supposed to be able to erase people’s memories and give them new identities and so forth.  What’s he doing being the surly guy who digs his wife and his kids?  He’s supposed to be evil.


The ultimate cartoon evil bad guy is one of my favorites, the delicious Mitch Lawrence on OLTL.  I know he’s super evil and cartoonish, but he’s kind of hot, in his own cartoonish way. I think the credit there has to go to Roscoe Borne, one of the original hot mob guys back on Ryan’s Hope in the early 1980’s.

Now, that’s hot.  Watch out, Sonny the Short and Jason the Fat, this is one hot mob guy!! He may be short but what he loses in height, he makes up for in hotness- and talent.

Mitch was originally a cult leader and he was a bit cartoony in his proselytizing, but he became ridiculous with every return. I do have to admit to giggling when he jumped out of Jared’s casket and had Nash’s rotting corpse sitting upright.  But, come on, that’s moronic, even for the campy OLTL.  Mitch was perfect as traditional evil and Borne was best when he taunted people and baited them. This scene with Charlie was fantastic as there were two great, mature actors and it was spine tingling.

It was pure evil. No over the top props, no scenery chewing.  Just good actors doing their job.  And, I, for one, loved it.

The real problem here is lazy writing and not enough confidence in the actors- or actors of low ability.  But, when you have some talent, like Kerwin and Borne, they don’t need stupid plotlines about people being held against their will on islands.  They don’t need face changes and doppelgangers and carnivals- Sheila, I’m looking at you on Y&R.  They only need  a decent script and an actor who’s taken a class before they invested in head shots and a gym membership.  We need quality scenes by people who can play them.

The real problem here is a lack of trust. It’s not about a “big show”. It’s about a “small show” that’s good.  That’s really what it’s supposed to be.  Character studies, not moronic plot twists out of comic books.  We want evil guys like Mitch and Stefano, but we want them to make sense, not be so over the top, we laugh at them.

Look, I love a good parody as much as anyone.  But it should be as Fraternity Row was- a stand alone, not a part of the show itself. It’s degrading to the show, the actors, the form, and the audience.  If, for once, the producers would look at their audience with respect instead of scorn, maybe they’d see that it is quality we want, not a “show” with a lot of skin being banded about.  But, they didn’t look at us as people with taste. And that’s why it’s over.


If you’re really trying to save something, Valentini, I hope you’re reading this.  It’s about the women, Stupid, yes, but it’s about the writing, too. And the audience.  And, more than anything, it’s  about respect. For the form. For the characters. For the actors.  And, really, for us.  Give us something good and we’re there.  Give us crap, and, hell, it’s over. I would have tuned in to Mitch taunting and scheming every day. But attempting to commit incest for an heir- no, just, no. It’s beneath the actor, it’s beneath the show, and, damn it, it’s beneath me to be subjected to that to see Roscoe work.  It’s degrading to everyone. 


Bring back good writing being played out by good actors. It’s pretty simple. Build it and they will come.  And it’s cheap.  That can’t be better, can it? It’s all there for the taking, if only someone can recognize it.

Oh, and by the way, I miss Viki! That can’t be said enough.

"Stunt Casting for Dummies"- The Y&R Edition

So, as a soap fan, your favorite actor or actress gets fired or the show is cancelled.  You mourn the loss as you would any old friend you've never met but spent an hour a day with every day,  and you move on.  Sometimes you wonder “Gee, whatever happened to so-and-so” but you move on.  Alas, that's not always the case.  You find that another soap has hired your favorite for their show, in hopes that you, too, will come join them an hour a day.  But, nine times out of ten, that scenario is more a nightmare than a fantasy.

You see, it’s all a scam.  They are not hiring good actors for interesting parts, but people they think will bring in ratings simply by name and face recognition alone. It's called, justifiably, stunt casting. And it's ruining many a daytime show.

My worst case scenario for stunt casting was Roger Howarth as Paul Ryan on ATWT.  I wince even typing that.  It was a horrible time for a Todd fangurl like myself.  And it lasted FOREVER!  It was like watching an old friend degrade himself for a new girl who isn't nearly as interesting as him but his lack of self esteem makes him stay. It was terrible as those morons on ATWT thought they could have their own Todd, but made him “Todd-lite”, and they were too stupid to get that “Todd” and “Lite” can't even exist in the same sentence.

But they wanted Todd fans and Howarth fans.  They, like all daytime execs, were too stupid to know that they aren’t one and the same. You see, again, they didn’t understand the daytime audience and thought we were all a bunch of bumpkins who would follow anyone who shook a shiny light in our face.  It failed and although the actor may have enjoyed himself, very few others did. I know I didn’t and I outwardly resented Howarth until last May, when he redeemed himself in my eyes.  I was not a Howarth fan but a “Howarth as Todd” fan and a familiar face wouldn’t make me like that insipid sad sack, Paul Ryan. It was just, well, sad to see. But, that's over and we can banish that thought forever!!  I love how I can do that. I’ve forgiven him and all’s right with the world….until I see how GH turns out.  Until that time, all bets are off,  Buddy!

Okay, I know that's Todd but did you really think I'd put Paul Ryan up here?  Hell, no. And this scene cracks me up!!! "You wrote this headline which is why it sucks!" HA!! Okay, back on topic.

Yet, as can be expected, those daytime twits didn’t learn their lesson. The practice continues with the same dismal results.  The worst offender currently- The Young and The Restless. They have perfected stunt casting to an artform and have reaped the benefits- a drop in ratings and the scorn of the audience.  Good for you, Y&R, you’re on your way to cancellation like everyone else!! But be sure to degrade and demoralize more wonderful soap icons on your way out as, heaven forbid, they keep their dignity as their chosen field disappears forever.  And make more soap fans resentful as you abuse the actors who played characters they once loved. Looks like a win-win for everyone, huh?

I’m not sure where to start with the disgusting display of wasted talent that Y&R currently has on staff.  But it’s not a new thing for them. Last time, I mentioned some lovely examples like Maura West who was treated to play a recast of a character at least ten years older than her and then turned into a pathetic harpy and ended up dead in a park.  That was nice.  Take the star of ATWT and half of a beloved (super?)couple and make her shriek and whine and beg Nick, the King of the Adolescent Entitled Manboys, for more good lovin’.  Oh, and then fire her.  That’s the way to keep her fans around.  Only not.

They tried to pull this crap with my beloved David Hayward when AMC was stupid enough to fire him briefly.  They even named him “David” and married him off to Nicki, the matronly, aging, untalented, over the top, cheap ex-stripper who is Victor’s doormat, and then had him try to murder her.  Yet Irizarry’s talent and charm still seeped through that idiotic character and I enjoyed him anyway!!! Besides the fact that he’s pretty to look at, I swear I saw David Hayward laughing at them all once in a while. It was like an inside joke.

I love him. And, yes, that's David Hayward, not David Whatever.  Do you see a pattern here? He was still quite Hayward-esque underneath, so let's go with the real thing. With that loser Paul Ryan, I thought I saw Todd screaming to get out and wanted to put him out of his misery….but I digress.

Then there’s Tristan Rogers, the charming, wonderful, luscious Robert Scorpio from the GH’s heyday of quality- a distant memory, I know.  Scorpio was the approachable and amusing James Bond-like character who made high school girls like me run home to watch him.  Y&R did well with him. They made him a nasty conman and stuck him with “raspy” voiced Jill who looked as if she could be his mother. I like her and know she’s probably his age but her sex appeal left the building long ago. But, worse yet, have him be the bastard ex-husband of icon Genie Francis, his GH co-star, and have them both be one-dimensional, vapid characters who spend all their time with the untalented and even less interesting, Cain.  Yeah, that’s respect.

But, wait.  More great GH news for Y&R.  Take Scotty Baldwin, the wonderful, wiley Kin Shriner, and stick him as a short term recast of Ted Shackleford- who should be parking Shriner’s car, IMO- and don’t even publicize it.  Oh, and take Patch aka Stefan aka Stephen Nichols of legendary supercouple Patch and Kayla, and make him grow his hair and say “Darlin’” and then give him a bastard son played by one of the worst actors in daytime, before he cheats on his wife Ashley with Angie from AMC who’s now a drug addict………………..

I’m exhausted. It’s too bad to be believed.

I know there are a lot of great actors out there looking for work. I’m not saying people shouldn’t hire them. I know actors need to move on from characters we all know them as being.  However, there’s “moving on” and there’s stunt casting.  Let’s take a good example.  Peter Bergman. 

Bergman was one half of one of the most popular couples ever in daytime, Cliff and Nina on AMC.  He was summarily fired for what appears to be no apparent reason, but he rebounded and became Jack Abbot on Y&R. Now, this happened over twenty years ago, I believe, and it was a recast and hiring a good actor. It wasn’t about getting “Cliff Warner”.  It wasn’t about getting “Peter Bergman”.  That may have been part of it.  But, it was about getting an actor that fit the part and the character was well defined. It wasn’t about finding out you could get the actor and trying to “fit them in”.  That fails.  See the above Paul Ryan debacle.  Damnit, I had to say that name again!  Well, you know what I mean.

Y&R is not interested in finding the right people for parts.  They want to find parts for people. And when you do that, the show suffers. It’s not like they said, “Hey, we need a great African American actor to be Jack’s physical therapist, a stupid part that is a throw away really”.  No, it’s not that at all. It’s that they had Debbie Morgan and wanted to fit Darnell Williams onto the canvas so they could say they had Angie and Jesse from AMC.  But they don’t.  They have characters with their faces.  And that’s it.  And those characters suck and are beneath the caliber of the actors, IMO. 

I get crazy when I see Darnell Williams.  At least make him interesting, for God’s sake, he’s Jesse Fucking Hubbard!!! Why not bring on Michael E Knight to be a janitor at the facility so you can have Tad interact with Jesse and Cliff while you’re at it?

Wait, forget it.  Please, I’m kidding. I don’t want to give them any ideas.  And stay away from DePaiva!! I can't bear to see them ruin Blair.  God help them if they do.  And Howarth if he's next!! I'm already giving him the stink eye for this GH stuff.  He's on probation as it is. Maybe he could be Paul Ryan in Genoa City.

I think I'll have to invest in some valium. Or maybe a  good therapist.  Or both?

Sexism, Ageism, and the Daytime Drama: The Latest Casualty- Eileen Davidson!!

Okay, so I see that it's happening again!  As if GH’s treatment of KDP wasn’t bad enough, here we now have yet another instance of rampant ageism and sexism in daytime- ironically, the last bastion for the middle aged, female viewer. Such is the case this week with the spectacular Eileen Davidson, one of the last watchable moments left on the currently Jumping the Shark "Young and the Restless".

Good job, People, nice work.  Drive off more viewers, why don’t you, by dumping a legacy character played by a great actress. That’s the key to success. Maybe her insipid, untalented daughter, Abby, the naked heiress, can take her place.  That’ll work.

Are you kidding me?? She's being "let go", according to Michelle Stafford, who's doing a little damage control.  What a shock as she's not exactly young either and may find herself in the same position soon enough.  Really, Nick and Phyllis are pretty nauseating, but, hey, what's not on Y&R at this moment?  This is the show promoting Sharon and.....................Victor.  OMG, I can't even type that. It makes me vomit in my mouth a little even thinking about it.  Shivering with disgust.

I don’t know why I’m surprised as this is the show that’s highlighting a man of, let’s say, advanced years, having a love story with his former daughter in law.  I don’t know anything about Eric Braeden, but if I were him, I’d wear dark glasses and a hat in the grocery store because I’d bet middle aged women will be pelting him with cantaloupes soon.  Nauseating.  Truly nauseating.  And poor Sharon Case probably has to medicate herself heavily before trying to squeeze out those disgusting lines.  Nice job.  The one female headwriter left and she’s worse than Carlivati.  Whodathunkit?

Now I’ll admit that I am a Y&R freshman, in my mind. I’ve been watching it only about nine years and in soap time, that’s a minute.  Hell, anyone who hasn’t watched a show since birth is still a newbie to me! I tuned in when Todd left the building on OLTL and AMC starting spiraling downward. I couldn’t be without a show, so I thought “WTH” and found it mildly interesting. I did get hooked during Cassie’s death, though, and watched it regularly after that. It was even on Soapnet as I cooked dinner every night, so that made that beastly chore more interesting…well, for me, anyway!

What I did appreciate was the female focus to some extent back then.  They had the stupid Jack/Victor thing but, hey, whatever.  Yet they still had vibrant women of “certain age” and I found them interesting. I loved Lauren- what little there was of her. I didn’t like Nicki, as she was too sleazy and the actress was awful. I did like Jill even though she really needed to cut back on the Marlboros.  Really, it was Lucille Balls’ later in life voice coming out of another body.  Katherine had spunk even though she didn’t have Viki’s charm and warmth….sigh, Viki…..but she was tough and I liked that.  She wasn’t as hip as Lucinda Walsh, but she’d do in a pinch.  And that’s what I was in- a pinch. I would have loved Phylllis if they hadn’t made her degrade herself for that cute but thoroughly reprehensible Nick.  But, that’s another blog for another day.  Watch out, Stafford, you’re on the list! 

Yet I loved Ashley and all the Abbots. The chemistry was fabulous and I loved the family moments, as I’m a sucker for family which is all but gone on daytime.  I thought Jack and Ashley had the nicest family vibe since Todd and Viki and it was fun just watching them talk about nothing.  It was warm and sweet and being that Bergman could make me cry reading the phonebook, Davidson was right there with him.  It was a true joy to see.

Yet she really won me over when they had that asswipe Adam torture her.  I have to admit as an out and proud Todd Manning fangurl, even I could not abide Adam’s treatment of Ashley.  Maybe it was because Davidson was so heartbreaking. She was so kind to him and so understanding.  She was so afraid for her sanity and seeing Adam destroy her, and that baby, was horrifying.  I’ve detested the character ever since.

 
I don’t know, maybe I have a thing for strong yet vulnerable female characters who are also smart. Add in a little mental illness and some cash and class and, lookie there, you have Viki!  Maybe that was it.  Ashley was Y&R’s Viki and as we all know, the world is always better off with more Viki in it.  But, I guess Y&R doesn’t think so.  As they don’t need her anymore.  

It’s becoming harder and harder to be a soap fan.  I see that Y&R loves its stunt casting but the way they do it is disgusting.  They bring on Debbie Morgan and make her an amoral drug addict.  Okay, maybe that’s interesting to play but I don’t want to see Angie like that. I’m sorry but weak and Angie’s face don’t work for me. It doesn’t compute.  They bring on Maura West and make her a shrew.  Sorry, again, spitfire Carly doesn’t shriek and whine like that.  They bring on Genie Francis, soap royalty yet never my cup of tea, and make her window dressing.  I won’t start on the men.  I see people wanting KDP over there and I shudder at the thought of what they’d do to Blair.  In the words of  Holly Golightly, a young, pretty, slut that this new daytime world would love, "the mind reels".  Sorry, BAT fans, but the truth hurts. She was a hooker. And a user.

Yet, in the midst of all this waste, they skuddle off their own prize.  Good work.  I guess they need to clear the path for more bad characters played by great actresses from cancelled shows so they, too, can be degraded.  God knows, there’s not enough of that happening right now. I’m rolling my eyes as I know, a year from now,  they’ll have KDP and make her an evil waitress or something who begs Nick to look at her. Or worse, Adam.  While Howarth is recast as Adam and is off, showering his affection on Abby, who’s half his age.  And related to him.  But, hey, a little incest is common over there now, right?

Although I usually reserve this for ABC, but Y&R can bite me!!! This sucks.  And, please, lay off the ABC talent.  We can’t take any more. 

And free Darnell!!He's not a dull physical therapist. He's Jesse Hubbard, goddamn it!!! And he knows Cliff Warner too well to be "working" on him.  Sorry, Douchebags, but your stunt casting is backfiring and making me want to stab somebody.  Or at least yell at my screen. Yet that will be our next entry.  Stay tuned for "Stunt Casting for Dummies- the Y&R Edition".

Holy Disinterest, Batman! Am I Over Todd Manning?

Okay, so I have a few things that I feel I should confess.  One is that today as I drove down Route 53 in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, I heard the song "Slit Skirts" by King of Time, Space, and Dimension, one Peter Townshend, on WXRT- 93.1. I whined out an "AWWW", turned it up as loud as I could, and drove about 85 in a 55 zone, as if I were in high school and loved every minute of it.

On a related note, not long after, I heard "In a Big Country" by the ironically named  Big Country- who'd guess they'd be named the same thing as their big hit- and again squeed like a high school fangurl!! I turned the radio up as loud as it would go, made an ass out of myself as I drove down my north shore suburban, residential block, and then sat in the car, singing along in my driveway, until it was over.  My neighbors are used to me by now, BTW.

My point here being that although I am middle aged and have far too many letters after my name to begin listing them, I can still act like a teenaged twit.  I  will also confess that beginning last May, I raced home from work to watch OLTL and, not only scheduled summer appointments around it, but yelled at family members who interrupted my scheduled viewings and, sigh, watched it several times over on Soapnet.

Lastly, I will admit to standing up in front of the television, applauding like a moron, when Roger Howarth looked at the audience from that stupid chair and snarled "And my name is TODD!"  I believe I even yelled "YEAH!!!!" and raised fists in the air.  Here it is at about 55:

That was good. I also will admit to yelling things at the screen like "Get him, Todd", usually in reference to that annoying Tomas, or ""Kill the bastard" or "Take him out, Todd, he sucks" in reference to his "special" brother.  Obviously, I talked back to the character often.  I missed him and I was happy to have him back. It had been eight years and I loved having fun with Todd at lunchtime.

But that was last May.  And, now, it's this May.  As I drove home today, I was happy to hear Pete Townshend, as I miss him, and even that silly Big Country, but I didn't even realize that this was the day that Todd Manning was back. You see, I didn't remember. I didn't set my DVR.  I didn't rush home, as I was sitting in the driveway when I could have easily been inside. It seemed that hearing a pleasant '80's diddy was more important at that moment.  And, for one of my last confessions of the day, I have to admit that I didn't remember because I just didn't care.

You see, as I came home, I did what I always do.  I have to check to see which undergrad is freaking out about what in my email, I take the dog for a walk, and then I give myself a treat and scroll around soap boards as entertainment.  It's a nice way to avoid anything real like the dreaded "what will I make for dinner" question. While doing so, I did see that today was the day that Todd Manning returned.  Another day in May. I thought about it for a minute, then moved on.  I was a bit shocked.  I wasn't interested.

I do admit to reading a "transcript" of Howarth's Twitter Chat about nothing, more out of curiosity of what he'd actually say than think he'd divulge anything interesting or earth shattering.  I'm happy to report I was correct. He said nothing.  But he did so very well.  Good for you, Dude!  You have that PR crap very well in hand.

I did enjoy the dated Batman comment, as I make them often, as noted in the title here and in other entries. I am a fan of "Holy Whatever, Batman" but I do chime in with "Same Bat-time, Same Bat-station", as well.  I do like the outdated popular culture references that signify us as a generation and make the young'uns roll their eyes.  I get a perverse pleasure out of it.  Actually, though, my favorite is a reference to the fantastic Peter Bergman, former Dr. Cliff Warner, current Jack Abbot.  I often use "I'm not a whatever, but I play one on TV".  I even enjoy the blank stares I get from students when I use it.  I think of it as an "Gen-X, Baby Boom Inside Joke".  So, the comment from Howarth did make me smile, but there was nothing else that he said that interested me.  However, no interviews with celebrities interest me as most of them are, well, a bunch of PR crap.  And therefore, not interesting by their very nature.

But can it be that Todd Manning is no longer interesting?  I have no real need to go to Youtube to see if it's uploaded.  I may at some point, but it's not a given.  I just, well, don't care.  How can it be possible that I get a complete charge out of a dumb '80's song and the return of my last, living, favorite soap character leaves me cold?  I guess there's only one reason.

Where's Blair? 

Where's Viki?  Where's Bo and Nora and Marty?  If all I'm getting is Todd and Tea, God help you all because I ain't rushing home for that.  Starr?  Maybe I'll Youtube.  But Todd and Carly?  Yeah, don't think so.  Todd and Sonny?  Sorry, not interested.  Todd and a bunch of other strangers I don't care about?  Not today.  But thank you for your years of service and I wish you well in your future.  And don't let the door hit you on the way out.

You see, I think Frankie and Ronnie have lost me.  And, I'll venture to guess, other hard core fans like me.  For the 8,967, 320th  time, no Llanview, no family, no interesting relationships, no Todd. He's mediocre on his own and I'd rather sit in my car, rockin' out to a bad '80's song.   I have better things to do with my time.  And I don't think that's what they wanted.  But that's what they'll get....that is, until Blair comes back.  And Viki.  And Llanfair. 

I'm not gone forever.  Just for now.  Maybe, like we waited for Todd to re-emerge, you should wait for us this time.  We'll be back.  When we have something more to come back for.  But until then, I'll stick with walking the dog, ignoring student emails, and listening to WXRT. Funny, the DJS on that wonderful station (which is available to all Gen X-ers and Baby Boomers around the world on the Iphone app "Radio.com") are voices I recognize and in an environment I love.  In fact, when my best friend  who moved West years ago, comes back to visit, the first thing she does in the rental car is turn on WXRT.  She said the voices remind her that she's home.  See the point, guys?  No one likes strangers in the place of old friends.

I'm patient, though.  Just let me know when it's time.  And if that never happens, I guess we all need to move on at some point.  I'll just think that Todd ended naked in bed with Blair, shocked, horrified, and amusing as all hell.  Sigh.  I loved that guy.

And I'll miss him.  But, as with Pete Townshend today in the car, maybe he'll surprise me and come back unexpectedly.  I'm still available for talking back to him on the screen. Summer's around the corner and he was my lunch entertainment for many a summer break.  Let me know and I'll schedule you in.  But don't come empty handed...or alone.  Or, worse yet, with strangers!! They are not welcome in my living room.

Soap Opera's Greatest Characters: The Independent Woman- Dorian Lord

I read that Robin Strasser's birthday is this week, so that got me thinking.  I'm not sure which birthday it is, nor would I ask, but I'm pretty sure both she and Dorian are ageless.  Like Marlena Dietrich, I expect her to stay out of the public eye when she is no longer able to keep up the "image".  And, also like Dietrich, she's a smart, savvy woman who knew how to survive in a world centered on devouring women whole.  But, unlike Dietrich, I'd like to think that she is not really only a well cultivated image based on careful calculation.  I'd like to think Dorian, and Strasser, are incredibly real.

I have to admit that although I understand that there's a difference between Dorian Lord and Robin Strasser, I seem to get the two confused in my mind.  I know they aren't one and the same.  However, I can't really separate them. I mean, I know that Strasser is not the original Dorian, but I can't really picture Dorian that wouldn't be played by Strasser.  I never remember seeing the original Viki or the original Blair, but I do have vague memories of other Dorians, but they aren't my Dorian.  I've even seen Strasser in other parts and I don't see Dorian.  Yet, although Robin is not bound by Dorian, Dorian is bound by Robin, I'd say, at least in my mind, as Todd is bound by Howarth and Viki by Slezak and Blair by DePaiva.  They, for all intents and purposes, have melded in my mind.

I think this is because the actors are so damn good at defining the roles.  They made their marks on them and they will remain there, no matter who else would step into the part. With other Dorians, they'd be "fake" Dorians, like TSJ was always "fake" Todd to me.  Strasser took a role and the minute she appeared, she was Dorian.  Just like that. She stepped into Dorian's shoes and that was all she wrote.  She was Dorian Lord, independent woman, diva of all who claim to be divas, and tough broad who you don't want to cross.  She'll cut a bitch!!

When I call her "independent woman", that's a term from a theorist named Richard Dyer.  Dyer wrote a wonderful piece many years ago about "star images" and how all "stars" are really marketed based on prototypes of accepted (and unaccepted) social types.  These types either reinforced the status quo or went against it.  When he refers to the "independent woman", he refers to the idea that she is one who takes what should be seen as oppressing her by the outside world and uses it to gain power.  She is alternative, as in  anti-social, as she shuns conventions put on her by patriarchal culture. She is beautiful and alluring but is also intelligent and uses her wiles to gain power, often without the knowledge of those who are being "undone", so to speak.

Dorian is a prime example of the independent woman as she always was able to gain control over men due to her beauty and her brains.  She was able to level the playing field, to some extent, like a Hepburn character or the inimitable Bette Davis (my personal favorite) onscreen or off.  She's the character that will not be bound by social convention.  She does not need a man to make her complete but she will desire them for her own pleasure- and advancement.  She's aware of who she is, why she is who she is, and she's damned proud of how she got there.  And she makes us damned proud, too, because before it was fashionable, these characters were feminists, although you'd never get them to admit it. That's also part of their definition- they refuse to be confined by labels.  Except maybe one- they're tough broads!!!

I always loved Dorian even though she was often a heartless bitch.  Well, maybe not heartless, but definitely a bitch.  Her fights with, well, everyone, were stuff of legend, but it's the rivalry with Viki and that is always acknowledged as being classic.  I think AMC tried to recreate it with Brooke and Erica, but Erica was too dumb and superficial, and they didn't dedicate themselves to it when Brooke was summarily ushered out the door.  Viki and Dorian were worthy adversaries, played by spectacular actresses, who loved playing the parts, especially together.  You can see it in every scene.

They're having a damn good time and so were we.  That's a lot of what's missing nowadays, a sense of fun in the work.  Everyone's so damn serious that they're mind-numbingly dull.  Fun left the building with OLTL, IMO.

I have to admit that I was never that much of a fan of the "motherly" Dorian, although I could appreciate it.  I preferred her scheming and plotting and sniping rather than being protective.  I did love many of her scenes with her "Cramer Women" but the ones I appreciated where when they were fighting or at odds.  That's when they were at their best, IMO.  This scene, with Blair, is one of my favorite Dorian scenes of all time.  She's hysterical, yet motherly, to some extent.  Not too much, just enough:

I love how she mocks Blair's lack of resolve and says "If this is slow, what would fast be?".  Great line.  And the way she says "You did it right there, in the stables with the horse looking on" is so sarcastic, watching her explode with anger is perfection to me. I laugh just thinking about it. It is true genius, IMO, probably because that's how I'd act with my niece.  Dorian, to me, is real.  She's not the pretty version of a tough broad. She IS a tough broad.

You see Dorian never shied away from the bad stuff. She wasn't ashamed to get down in the dirt and do what had to be done.  She'd sleep with someone, if necessary, she'd try to get Blair to, if necessary, she'd keep the medication from a man having a heart attack (Oh, Ron, that's Bette in Little Foxes, have some shame), if necessary.  But she's a physician, so she'd save his life, after she got what she wanted.  Dorian had a soft side, it was just hidden down deep most of the time.

Back in the day, they explained characters as they took their time introducing them.  They showed who Dorian was, and why, and let her evolve. Unlike now where we're supposed to instantly care for someone, back then she could be slowly shown to us so we'd understand.  We found out about Melinda and her need to be cared  for by Dorian.  She was a loving sister with responsibilities to take care of and she needed to make the best life she could for them.  If she seemed hard, it was because she had to be to survive.  And, although many would not like her, we'd respect her.  That was the point.  Dorian made her own way and no one gave her a break ever.  She was, truly, an independent woman.

The treatment of Dorian toward the end of her tenure was disappointing at best and offensive at worst.  Although blame could be placed on writers and producers, let's once not point fingers.  Let's just say this industry is often not kind to actresses of a certain age. Or characters.  But we've talked about that before.  You see characters that could not be comfortably transformed into matrons of society or matriarchs, can't really fit in the world defined by men.  Dorian wasn't Viki.  Attempting to turn her into a handwringer wouldn't work.  She's too tough.  They, instead, turned her into a caricature of herself.  The gay weddings, the over the top crap with David, the political bullshit, all moronic and not up to her stature.  Although I find her and David highly amusing, they were never treated respectfully in my mind at the end, as they should have been. It was always high camp and watchable only because the actors were so good and so likable.

So, to Strasser on her birthday, I'll say this.  Thank you for the experience of sharing yourself with the audience.  It may not be a gift to you but you were a gift to us.  When it counted, you gave the world a tough, strong broad who wasn't afraid of anyone.  Besides Lucinda Walsh, played by the fantabulous Elizabeth Hubbard, Dorian was one of a kind.  She could give as good as she got and still smile when she lost.  And she never let us see her sweat. She was, truly, an icon of the form.  So, if it makes any difference, you made your mark.  You truly are one of a kind.  And, unlike Dietrich, I think you're more than an image.  Because, damnit, I can't shake the idea that deep down, you're Dorian and she's a whole lotta Robin.  But, maybe, you're just a helluva good actress.  Either way, it's a win-win.  They only losers in this game are the young audience coming up who won't get to see what a truly tough broad is like. That's something for the ages.

What Did It All Mean? What the Soap Opera Was About and What We're Losing: Romance

Soap Opera Eulogy, Part Two.

There's a difference between love and sex.  There's a difference between friends and lovers.  But, when it comes to the soap opera, there's a serious distinction between romance and sex.  Often the two aren't even in the same scene.  Romance on the soap opera, and in any melodrama, is so much more than sex.  It's about intimacy and longing and, more than anything else, about love.  Sex is a by-product of that but love is the key.  With the demise of the soap opera, we're losing one of the last bastions of real romance from a female perspective, as backburnered as it's been lately.  And, I, for one, will miss it terribly.

I troll around many message boards just to keep myself in touch with what other people think. I must admit that much of that commentary has made it into a class or two, but that's another blog for another day.  Yet I saw a specific post once that made me think that this person had no clue what a soap opera was about.  The poster was evaluating a love scene and said it wasn't "hot" because there was no nudity or thrusting or such.  It wasn't explicit and that was no kind of love scene that person was interested in seeing.

I shook my head, thinking this poster, although allowed to have her own preferences, had absolutely no idea what most soap viewers enjoy. It wasn't long until the point was made clear for me as poster after poster jumped on the scene and said exactly what I was thinking.  Every poster said just what I thought they'd say and what I would have said if I'd responded.  Soap operas aren't about sex.  They're about romance.  And if she wanted explicit sex, she should watch a porno.

Okay, that last line was a bit extreme.  But message boards are the wild wild West of the internet, so what can you expect?  And, I thought it was funny. I think I'll write an entire series on the fans as I find them so insightful and dedicated and, really, so fucking amusing I can't take it!  Again, another blog for another day. Yet obnoxious as it was, it rang true to some extent.

Producers have made many wrong turns with the genre but this one, the prioritizing of sex over romance, I think goes hand in hand with the switch from the female center to the male focus.  Men, in general, prefer to watch sex rather than romance.  They enjoy hard core porn more than women.  There is actual research to explain this fact.  Men are much more visually-oriented.  They are aroused by "looking" more than women.  This relates to why strip clubs for men are more sexually provocative  whereas strip clubs for women are much more tongue-in-cheek (excuse the double entendre) and less about sex than community and fun.

When the switch in the late 1990's went from female centered shows to male, this focus went with it.  The male gaze, as mentioned earlier, takes with it the emphasis on the female reaction to sex. It focuses on what the man sees and wants.  Thus what the women want is neglected.  Thinking that explicit sex is what the audience wants is missing the point.  Overwhelmingly, from what I've seen, they prefer the romance leading up to sex as opposed to the explicit act itself.  It's about the emotion leading up to the act rather than the act.  In fact, often I've seen more positive reactions to the "afterglow" scenes than the explicit scenes themselves. This would be more proof that it's about the feelings and intimacy as opposed to the orgasm.  At least that seems to be my summation.

Take, for example, Jack and Carly on ATWT.  Two great actors, two great characters.  They had more heat in their arguments than in the rather explicit sex scenes, of which they had many.  In fact, it seemed to me that the real love between Jack and Carly was somehow diminished by the explicit nature of their encounters.  They were two very interesting characters who were hot for each other, that was obvious, but it's sexier to see the interaction rather than the penetration.  At least, that's my opinion.  Now, take this scene for example:

I don't really need to see Michael Park's face looking like this. It's not pretty and, well, it's voyeuristic.  Not hot to me but, well, two people having sex.  That's nice but, really, I enjoyed them getting there more than actually seeing this much detail.  But, hey, maybe that's me.  It was always emphasized how Jack and Carly had a very physical relationship, and that's great, but it's not that interesting to watch.  What made them interesting was the build to the sex, the back and forth, the flirting, the surrender to emotion, not the groaning. In fact, that all cheapened it a bit to me.

I always see references to Natalie and Brody's sex scene on OLTL which was all about sex.  They were in love with other people and had what is a typical soap cliche.  "I'm mad at the person I love, so I'll get drunk and sleep with you instead" sex was happening here.  It's a typical example of over the top, explicit sex that panders to the lowest common denominator. It's titillating but is it wonderful?  No.  But, then again, it wasn't supposed to be.

Now, that's sex.  But it's not love and really, it wasn't meant to be.  Yet this was and it's tragic and romantic and sweet and sad and still hot.  Frisco and Felicia were all kinds of angst and in this scene where he's leaving yet again, she says goodbye to him one more time.  And this is romance.

No thrusting, no panting, no sweating.  Just love and passion and emotion.  There's nothing wrong with a little bump and grind but that shouldn't be the focus of the love scene on daytime, scripted dramas.  It never has.  Soaps lost something when they entered into the serious sexual realm and often, romance got lost with it.  It was as if many shows became about fucking, not love making.  And, if your audience is women, most would prefer the latter.  But, no one will turn down a little fun once in a while.

Frisco and Felicia were a beautiful young couple who were doomed to fail.  They loved each other and they wanted each other, badly.  But it wasn't just about sex. It was about how MUCH they wanted each other, completely.  Not just physically.  Look at this:

Here, they have sex and kiss passionately, but it's about how much they missed and needed one another.  It's not just about getting their rocks off. It's about getting their heart's desire...and their rocks off.  That's just a plus.  A love scene shouldn't be about sex. In melodrama, it's about love and intimacy.  It's about sharing and longing and a desperate need for the other person.

You see many of us like these shows because they are something we don't always get in real life.  We rarely get moments that are lovely and sweet and often, our love lives are about sex, not romance.  Most people don't get to experience that kind of emotion that often.  If I wanted to watch my love life on screen, I'd watch 30 Rock. I think everyone on that show is having regular, average sex.  It's about real people.  Soaps are not.  They're about love and fun and everything that's NOT real.

Losing the romance is one of the many wrong turns these shows have made.  Don't even start me on Nick and Phyllis whose sex scenes are explicit but lack any real feeling for me.  Their fights had more emotion but it wasn't passion really. It was simple desperation.  And that's sad.  But not romantic.  Phyllis, to me, always seems desperate and needy and Nick seemed up for it anywhere, anytime, but his real romantic scenes were always with Sharon.  Although those two also had explicit sex scenes, it was ones like this that resonated:

That's romance.  And, of course, the explicit sex scenes happened later.  But this is the one I remember.  And what I know I won't see again.  Maybe that's why Y&R is off my DVR.

Soap operas died when the producers failed to realize what they were about and what made them special.  They started giving us the surface of what they were about.  They became cartoons and parodies of themselves.  But, that's part number three.  Tune in tomorrow for that.  There's parody and there's denigration of the form.

Rumor Central: Are They Building It? Will Llanview Really Rise from the Dead??

I've said it so many times but, to be honest, I never really believed it.  But, I have to admit that I'm starting to get the feeling that my former hero, Frank Valentini, may not be as much of an asswipe as I once thought.  Now, don't get me wrong. I'm holding back my apologies for calling him one of a hundred terrible names.  I'm just saying that the rumors, which are getting louder and more detailed, have me thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's getting something done.

Okay, I'm really loving Thursday afternoons on the internet. It's getting to the point that I have to go to the gossip sites on my phone as I'm on the train or walking the dog.  Thursdays seem to be the time when all the good stuff comes out and today was no exception.  I found this rumor particularly exciting.  It seems a few weeks back, this alleged insider said there may be a "Llanview Reunion"- whatever that means.  Today, she returned and said that there was talk of replicating sets from Llanview....Really?  Are you kidding me?  I almost fell out of my chair.  For a known cheapass like Valentini to build sets for his now-dead show, that can mean only one thing- he's bringing it back, Baby, he's bringing it back.

I've said for months now this phrase over and over- "Build it and they will come".  Well, it seemed he listened as it seems they're building it- Llanview, that is.  I wish I could come up with a really clever play on the Beverly Hillbillys theme right now but I'm at a loss.  Swimming pools, movie stars...It's just not happening right now. Oh well.

Now, if I have to guess, I'd say that they have to build sets that are important.  You can just change sets all the time for things that don't matter. Hell, the set that changed daily seemed to be The Sun.  That bastard never had a day that wasn't different.  Bo's house?  Nah.  Todd's penthouse?  That disappeared long ago- although I miss it, cheesy staircase and all.  SO 1990's, along with Todd and Blair's hair....No, just no.

It has to be some place that represents Llanview. It has to be a place that was around for a LONG time and we all know well. It has to be a place that we think about when we think about OLTL.  Where could it be? HHMM.  Let's think.  Nora's office?  No.  Carlottta's diner.  Forget it. I know.   Why it's Llanfair, of course. It has to be.  Llanfair is all about Llanview and vice versa.  Look how great this place is:

Look at all the cool people that hang out there?  It's quite the happening estate.  And, who lives in Llanfair?  Wait for it....it has to be a big deal as it's a big announcement.................

Viki.

How was that? Classy and tasteful but still making a splash.  So, since I admit I want to be Viki, I have to admit that I'm usually a bit more Niki.  Here's my take...............YEAH FOR US!! YEAH FOR VIKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, YEAH FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I love Viki and, you know, in the end, it's all about me.

Okay, if they do in fact rebuild Llanfair and bring back Viki, even briefly as was also stated, I'm a sick little fangurl who's beside herself with glee. I almost want to take back the nasty names just thinking about the possibility.  But I won't.  To me, they were always bringing back Blair, so I'm very pleased but it wasn't a long shot in my book. I knew they'd do it as it's stupid not to.  The way they've handled this is terrible but, I think, they'll make it up to DePaiva in the long run.  Make 'em pay, Honey, with a lot of little zeroes in the right places!  But Slezak, really, they might give me some Slezak?  In her own house and not that cesspool Port Charles?  I can't even think about that. It's too nice.  And I think I specifically asked Howarth to do it.  Maybe he did.  Thanks, Dude, you're the man!!

Of course, I can't even think about Viki not having some fabulous scenes with her little brother, the psycho affectionately known as Todd Manning.  That would be too wonderful to miss.  More Todd and Viki scenes?  In Llanfair? OMG, I love these two. Feel the love below:

 And will he put his feet on the ugly blue/green sofa?  Will she call for Lois?  Will we see Lois?  And Clint?  OMG, will we see Clint, an actual Buchanan?

I have to stop as I'm starting to hyperventilate.  The thought of seeing my boyfriend, the GILF, JVD again is too much for my middle age fangurl heart.  I might have a coronary.  Well, not really, but you know what I mean.

Okay, so maybe I was wrong.  Maybe I shouldn't have called you Fucktard.  Maybe I shouldn't have called you Douchebags.  But I won't take back Nimnuts.  I love Nimnuts as I get that from the spectacular Jonathon Brandmeier ( heard mornings on WGN 720 or via the WGN Iphone app- everyone listen).  I won't apologize for Nimnuts as it's funny as hell and I, well, I just won't. It's such a great name and it makes me giggle like a bad schoolgirl from Wisconsin. And I reserve the right to call you Nimnuts whenever I want because, well, I want to.  But I'm not officially apologizing for anything yet.  I'm waiting.

If you rebuild Llanfair, I'm there. I told you.  "Build it and they will come" and that's true. I'm seeing people say that all over and I think it may be a widely held sentiment. And if you put Viki in it- hell, yeah!! I'm there. I told you, Frank, we're a loyal group but we gotta get what we want.  And what we want are our people in our town with our characters.  Let Todd fuck up that little midget Sonny.  Who cares.  But then let him go back to Llanfair and be lambasted by Viki for manipulating a girl with DID.  And make that "lecture" last a whole episode.  And make Viki tell him she still loves him at the end, and smile like she does, and have him smile back- in spite of himself.  Like here, at about 44 seconds in: 

I really hope we can see this as this what they do.  And what they need.  And what we need.  You see, we all need a little touch of home.  Like Todd, we need to know that it's still out there and still the same. If you rebuild LaBoulaie, I'm a little concerned because that could mean that Blair stays behind, and I have no need for that.  That's unacceptable. But, if Todd moves in, then I don't mind.  But better if Dorian comes home with her man-whore the amusing as hell Mr. Vickers-Buchanan.  They can have the house.  Todd and Blair and the crew can go back to the penthouse. That works for me.

If you could build the penthouse, though, update it!! Look at it above.  It's really tacky.  If you can cut a deal with my former fake gay boyfriend Andy Cohen, have Jeff Lewis do it as I find him amusing as all hell.   And I have no need to see Victor's house again like ever. Or Victor. But I'm sure I'll have to.  At least for a moment.  Just to say hello and goodbye would be fine.  But emphasize goodbye.  Really,  I mean it.  Goodbye, SloBro.  Move on.  And take Tea with you.  And that kid.  And the new one.  Hasta la Vista.  And thank you for your years of service and we wish you well in your future.  And take the GH cast with you.  They suck!