Valentini's Folly Saga Continues: So, How Can He Sell It?

I have to admit that I am now more fascinated by the BTS shenanigans of ABC Daytime than the content of the show itself.  Well, that's not saying much.  Yet the backstage stuff is so damn interesting, I can't stand it.  They're making a rather dull, disappointing summer pretty amusing.  Hats off to Valentini for keeping me intrigued no matter what. Now, make it work, as Tim Gunn says.  But how?  Lucky for you, you have millions of fans all yelling at once and one professor giving you suggestions.  So, here's what I think you need to do:  make people happy.

It seems easy, doesn’t it?  Just give people what they want and they’ll show up.  Now, it may not be the story that Ronnie wants to write or the most interesting to him artistically, but guess what?  Tough shit.  Yeah,  I said it!  Tough shit. You work in a commercial medium and you need to make the customer happy.  Without satisfied customers, you’re on the street. So, in all actuality, you work as any other purveyor of a product or service. You need to not only offer a quality product but be sure that you have a market.  If we, as consumers, don’t like your product, we don’t buy.  It’s a fact, Jack, you work for us- whether Ronnie Boy likes it or not.

Now, you can sell your show if you have an audience and that means you need to motivate us to watch.  Here’s more wisdom from my father the siding salesman in Chicago.  I hope you’ve listened in the past, as you need some advice in dealing with the “real” world- meaning not network execs, managers, and actors.  We’re talking about actual people here. So, pay attention.

If you want to get repeat business, you better give the customer what they want and make it pretty painless.  

Okay, I think you may know that any home improvement project is a nightmare.  Yet the outcome has to be worth the pain that inevitably ensues.  Remember that, Frankie, the outcome must be worth the nightmare.  At the end of the day, it had to be worth it.  It’s simple, Dude, make it worth the grief.  My house may look fabulous and I may not need to paint it ever- but if the experience is such a nightmare from hell, I’ll hate it every time I drive up.  Ease the pain, Buddy, mitigate the damage.  Fall on your sword, if you have to.  Do whatever you need to do to make the consumer happy at the end. Or they won’t be your customers ever again. 

This is where you’ve fucked up.  You need to make us feel better. I’m hoping you get that.  What you’re really selling is us- not the show.  Any venue wants to sell advertising.  The advertiser doesn’t buy content or time, really, but access to the audience.  So, really, we’re the product.  You need to woo us and finesse us. But, really, you need to figure out who you want.  What audience are you looking for? Is it the OLTL audience? Is it the GH audience? Is the cross-over viewers?  Here’s the question you need to answer, Dude, what do you want?

Now, that’s a lot harder, isn’t it?  You want all of us, I’d assume, but that may not be possible. The way I’m seeing it, you aren’t that interested in the GH faithful. It makes sense as you don’t know them and haven’t earned their loyalty.  Also, looking at the way the numbers shake out, they don’t seem to be very “sellable”.  By that I mean that the numbers are a bit soft.  The higher ratings they had for years may have been artificially inflated. In many markets, GH never had any soap competition. 

In major markets, OLTL had one, if not two, soaps against them directly.  Often, OLTL had to compete with both DOOL and ATWT. The fact that they survived as well as they did is rather impressive.  GH, on the other hand, rarely had any soap competition. They may have had GL in some markets but that was rare. In many major markets, GL was moved to the morning.  The real evidence that GH’s ratings were inflated over the years was the huge drop in numbers in this last year.  Some may blame the writing, but it’s more than that.  I would argue that it was the focus of the show that no longer worked but without the lead in from AMC and OLTL, the show tanked.  Badly.

 

Now, Frankie, you know about “flow”.  That means that networks program shows that blend into one another to keep the audience watching.  The shows literally “flow” into one another.  The audience need not turn away.  Well, cancelling AMC hurt that flow. However, OLTL survived the blow.  OLTL’s audience wasn’t watching “The Chew”. In fact, I’d argue they avoided it.  Yet OLTL was strong enough on its own to bring them to the show.  That audience often stayed for GH.  BUT without the lead in of OLTL, GH faltered, and continues to do so. 

So, it would make sense that you’d sacrifice GH fans for the OLTL faithful.  Also, we’ve proven that we’re still here- we’re just not there yet.  You need to give us what we want.  Now, this is where you need a little lesson, Honey.  You have yet to do so.  And it’s do or die.  Learn something from someone who has researched your fanbase for years, as well as being one.  Here’s the wisdom from the college professor who watched soaps in the high chair:

You can’t fuck with the Favorites.

That’s it.  You can’t. You can play some games but you can’t fuck it up completely.  You don’t have to make it easy. You can bullshit around. You can make it painful.  But there must be a payoff!!  If the fans don’t believe there will be a payoff, they’ll bolt.  You see, fans are like consumers for siding salesmen. If you make the experience of getting what we want painful, it can still be worth it.  But, if you make the experience too painful, the payoff is tainted. Or, maybe, by the end, it wasn’t worth it. Worst case scenario, you don’t give the people the payoff at all.  Now that’s a lose-lose. It’s just, well, stupid.

So, here’s my suggestion, and one I think you may be doing already.  Keep the audiences separate and make them both happy.  You’ve got the GH show to finish. That’s obvious.  Give those fans what they want at the end. Let them have their last moments and you know how to do it.  Let the couples be happy and blah blah blah.  That show is so not interesting to me, I don’t even care to speculate. Because, well, it’s not interesting.  Just close it out on its own.  Goodbye and good luck, GH, and thank you for your years of service.

Now, make the OLTL faithful happy, as well.  Tease us enough to keep it interesting, but don’t shit all over us. Show us what we’ll get- our old faces and favorites for a moment or two.  I personally love Todd’s constant references to the old gang- especially Nora and Viki- but show us them, as well. They don’t need huge stories but assure us that they are still around and will be back if you get the chance. 

Don’t move our characters on to GH stories or people.  They aren’t amenable to the show’s tone and neither are we.  The “hybrid” idea could work for AMC and OLTL to some extent, but not GH.  Now, that’s not saying some characters couldn’t move over but blending the shows won’t work. They’re too different in tone and intent.  Old school GH maybe, but not the mess that exists.  Luke, Tracy, they may work, but the rest won’t.  OLTL is much lighter and the darkness that has enveloped GH is too strong.  It won’t happen.  Let it go.

Lastly, damn it, Frank, give us what we want for one goddamn minute!!!! Let us have some fun and happiness for once.  Make us happy and we’ll follow you like puppy dogs wherever you go.  I promise.  My God, does it all have to be fucking cliffhangers and grief all the time.  Make us happy for once.  Just because people aren’t ripping one another’s hearts out doesn’t mean they don’t have any future story.  FIND A STORY THAT ISN’T ABOUT EMOTIONAL PAIN!! Stop with the dead kids.  Stop with the horrible break ups.  Stop with the diseases. Find new avenues to drama.  They’re there. Just stop making it so horrible all the time.  There’s angst and there’s interminable grief.  

Give us a break, Dude, and reign in Ronnie Boy. He doesn’t seem to know that people can be both interesting and happily married.  Destroying one another stops being interesting after the third time.  John and Natalie, my God, Dude, give them a rest.  How many times has Todd fucked up with Blair?  Can’t he fuck up when he’s with Blair for once? Can’t he screw over someone else for a change and still be getting some regular from the wife?  It’s getting to be ridiculous.  

I thought Bo and Nora were interesting when they were happy.  It was nice but still entertaining. It’s possible. Just do it. Give the characters a break.  Give us a break.  And, really, give yourselves a break.  We can all co-exist and have a massive Kumbaya moment into the future.  The angry letters will stop.  The ranting will stop.  We can help you get richer and be happy to do so.  Leave the angst aside for once. It was old a decade ago!!!

Let’s move into a new day and a new story.  Really. It can be done.  Trust me and I’ll trust you.  But if you don’t,  proceed with caution. I've still got a lot of nasty names in my toolbox. Some I haven't even used yet.......