Goodbye, Mr. Carlivati: Top Ten Things I WON'T Miss About Nimnuts

Let me preface this by saying I know nothing about sports. Like, less than nothing. But I was born, raised, bred, reared, and have paid taxes in Chicago. So, by osmosis, I have some knowledge of our crazy sports teams. I am a media freak by nature and profession. Thus, after years spent daily with Steve Dahl and Jonathon Brandmeier (currently on WGN-720 mornings from 6-10, central via the WGN app, or download at Itunes), I have a sports fan vs. player/owner/coach mentality.

I've always argued that the two most rabid fan bases are sports fans and soap fans. They share so much but they have one particular trait in common- they hate the "Man" and blame "him" for all. In sports, it's the owners, maybe the coaches, and sometimes the players but they get more love and therefore slack. However, when sports fans turn on a player, they better watch out. See: Brett Favre. OUCH!

So, when things go south with soaps, we, as fans, turn on the likely candidate. THE MAN- literally and figuratively. The Network, of course, the producer, and then the writer. The actors, like the player, get the most slack as they've been given little choice in how this all goes down.  But that doesn't mean they walk free. See: a lot of people.

Using this rather long analogy, you can see where I'm going. Our time on traditional television is over and, personally, I couldn't be happier. I am more than willing to lay all of my discontented feelings on one doorstep. I, as a proud Chicago Soap Fan who was trained to be a Fan by Cubs/Sox/Bears/Bulls/Blackhawks Psychos, maliciously point my finger at you, Mr. Carlivati.  I respectfully suggest, Sir, that you bite me. And suck it. And, in the words of Lee Elia in a spectacular rant, "Take that downtown and PRINT IT!"

Now, if you had any interesting color to your personality, Nimnuts, you'd come back as Elia did. 

"If you want to rip somebody, rip me," said Elia, "If you wanna rip somebody, rip my fuckin' ass. But don't rip them guys".  

Okay, he's right. I will rip you, Ron.  Because, as all Bears Fans say to everyone who will listen, "YOU SUCK!!" But, in this instance, I'm taking Elia's side, as he ripped into Cub Fans in 1983. Take a listen as he actually sticks up for his players and takes responsibility for sucking. I don't see that from you, Nimnuts. Be a man. Admit it. YOU SUCK!!

http://www.speakeasy.org/~bucky/lee_elia_br.mp3


I love that. It's what Nimnuts should say, but he won't.Because he's above that. And besides, if the fans don't like it, they should just not watch.  Okay. We won't, and we haven't.  How's that, Nimnuts?

Now if you had a backbone, you'd say that you're "busting your ass and we boo?" like Elia did. Yeah, right. We boo but not because you're busting your ass. But because YOU SUCK!!! And, in true sports fan fashion, here's why I think you suck.

The Top Ten Things I Won't Miss About Nimnuts- aka Why You Suck:

You think soaps are camp: They may be a little cheesey but they ain't camp, Dumbass.  They're melodrama. It's different. It may be a bit over the top but that doesn't make it camp. It makes it excessive. That's the difference. You don't seem to get it. I suggest a college course in melodrama. You obviously were asleep in yours.  I doubt it was in your curriculum, though. Yeah, you suck.

You think the audience is engaged if they're hating your fucking guts:  Where this mentality comes from, I don't know. It's moronic. It's not about making us hate you, it's about making us love you. And I see no one doing that even a little. They might hate you less than Guza, but no one loves you. Because, well, you suck.  You don't take what fans have loved for years and destroy it for no reason. And any reason you have is idiotic. See: Every couple fan on OLTL or GH. Because you suck.

You think it's true to character and history solely because you wrote it: This is truly ridiculous. I think this may be a direct quote. Todd Manning is not a manwhore who fucks any piece of ass that comes down the pike. That's not true to history. But, if you write that he's moved on from the rape, he has. When? How? Why? By moving out of town. Oh, no, because you said so...Okay. You suck!!!

You whitewash misdeeds because you're too lazy to actually write redemption stories: One word for you: Ford. Nothing else needs to be said. He took advantage of Jessica and you made it no big thing. Really? I thought it was a big thing and Viki and Clint should have his balls cut off, not accept him. That "love story" was truly nauseating. Now, I was a Todd Manning fan, so I believe in redemption. But I have to see it. It can't be Boo-Boo Face for five minutes and then it's all good. Get some creativity and patience, Dude, this sucks.

You think the audience will tolerate anything as long as there's five seconds of "good": You tease and taunt and think it's about angst or longing or building anticipation. It's not. It sucks. Natalie and Brody? Are you kidding me? So, you have a few furtive looks between her and John and then slap them together for one episode? Are you insane? Your interpretation of  building anticipation is non-existent and when you slap them together then you have to. Know why? Because you suck.

You're a disrespectful, pompous ass who thinks that he's above the audience: Lee Elia was mad. I'll give him that. But what's your excuse? I know, it's hypocritical to talk about being disrespectful when I rip you, but if you weren't so obnoxious, I wouldn't. Even though I think your tweets are amusing, you better not think it's helping you. You sound like an ass. I can be an ass. No one's paying me for this and I don't make a dime. I do this to entertain myself. I see you're doing that, as well, the problem is, you have to make money for those corporate types.  You ain't cutting it.  I saw the ratings. And degrading and deriding your customers is not smart, to say the least.


You don't know that Shock is not Drama: Having the audience gasp in horror or being shocked is fine. But it's a stunt. Not drama. It's a dramatic moment. You don't make that the story, it's the beginning or maybe the middle, but not the story itself. You make it the motivation for the REST OF THE STORY!! That's your problem. You never play out the rest of the story. You look for the next shock moment and plot point and that's it. You don't explain things in a interesting way. You don't flesh out ideas or fallout. You move on. That sucks but it leads to:

You're not able to write a complete thought:  Let's call it "Short Attention Span Theater".  You are the one who doesn't get serial drama, Buddy. It's about the long story, not the plot point. You lose interest after the reveal or the moment and can't be bothered to finish that thought. That's where the interesting stuff is, Dummy. Not in the moment. We want to see it play out and have ramifications for years and how that works and what it means. You don't. And you're wrong. Because, well, you suck!!


You're a Misogynistic Rat Bastard who's obsessed with Rape:  In the brilliant "Angels in America", Roy Cohen says he's not a gay man, he's a man who has sex with men. There's a difference. I think you should think about that, Buddy Boy, because the way you characterize and treat women makes me think you have the same ideas. You are more misogynistic than any Chauvinist Pig I've ever seen. How dare you take a woman's form and turn it against women the way you do. I think this is my real problem with you. Your attitudes towards the victimization of women is nauseating and reactionary.  You probably don't worry because your rapes aren't "legitimate" rape, right, Ronny? You make me sick. You make women stupid, desperate, clawing victims and romanticize rape. You can claim they're supposed to be horrifying, but that ain't working, Buddy. You should be ashamed of yourself. And if I were a gay man, I'd shun your reactionary ass! As a woman, that's a given. YOU SUCK!!

You destroy great characters for your "Vision"- or lack thereof: Dorian, Marty, Mitch, Todd, Blair. All ruined under your poison pen. I know people hate Mitch, but I loved him. He wasn't a cartoon. He was evil. There's a difference. You made him into a disgusting joke, instead of a realistic, terrifying character. And Dorian-  don't start. She was a joke, not a strong, independent woman but a desperate source of fun. And Marty? OMG, don't start me on that either. You made a strong, rape survivor into a psychotic killer. Nice. Nice job. For that alone, you suck. And you should be ashamed of yourself.

Well, I hope never to have to rant about you again, but something tells me I might. I can't even think about that and I send my condolences to the GH fans who are stuck with you as long as that show exists. But besides the degradation, you should think about it. What makes people hate you the way they do? Maybe it's not just that they're assholes. I am, I admit it. But some of them aren't.

Listen to Lee Elia. He was angry and frustrated. But  he admitted they sucked. He was angry the fans weren't with him but he acknowledged the issues working against him. And, personally, I've never met more loyal fans than Cub Fans. They have to be. Yet he was upset and angry with himself more than anything.  Take it as a lesson, Ron, this isn't mean fans who you need to block on Twitter. Under the vitriol and the hate, there's a cause for it. And it's you. It's all on you.

Now, where's Lee Elia now? He's working in Atlanta, I see. That's nice. It's warmer. But I wish him well as I respect him.  You- not so much. Where will you be when GH tanks which we all know is coming soon? Will you come back to OLTL so we can all freak and scream and rail on you? God, I hope not. But, if you do, you better watch your ass. We're fans. We forgive but we never forget. Remember Brett Favre. Watch your step. Everyone hates Brett Farve forever in Green Bay. I think we'll be feeling the same way.

Now, Nimnuts, take that downtown and print it!