Hey, there's nothing that a middle aged Jewish woman loves more than her very own Jewish, fake boyfriend. By "fake" boyfriend, I mean gay man who is also her friend. I distinguish this from the oft-noted Fag Hag, which is degrading to not only the woman, but the gay man and the relationship. It's all kinds of nasty and I, for one, think anyone who uses that term should be shot on sight. Or forced to watch The Chew. Now that's torture. Mario Batalli is not only ugly and fat, but icky and sweaty. Yuck. That's just nasty.
At any rate, being a middle aged Jewish woman without a fake boyfriend, I felt at a loss. I had no one to shop with or make nasty comments about movie stars with or other take to weddings and pretend they were my date even though everyone knows they're gay. Mostly they don't want you to blow them when the night ends. That's an improvement from a real boyfriend any day!
Once in a while, I'd borrow my sister's fake boyfriend, who I called my fake brother in law until my sister got married. But he wasn't mine, he was hers. He wasn't Jewish, but he does love to talk soaps and he's all kinds of wonderful. Still, he was her fake boyfriend and I didn't want to share. I wanted one of my own.
Then, late one night, I found Andy Cohen. I thought he was a great fake fake Jewish boyfriend. He was perfect! He was funny and kind of cute and all snarky. He was SO Jewish, it was wonderful. He was sarcastic and schmaltzy and silly. Most of all, he was on TV, so I didn't really have to hang out with him. I loves me some fictional friends as they are SO low maintenance!!!They're all fun and no fucking you over. It's all good. They don't cry to you or make fun of your decorating or your clothes or expect you to get off the couch. Thus, Andy became my fake FAKE Jewish boyfriend and I could foresee a wonderful relationship lasting into the future. I knew FOR SURE he'd never want me to go down on him!
I loved Andy's silly little show "Watch What Happens Live". It showcased lunatics from the Real Housewives shows and other Bravo-lebrities. It had a set that looked like an old rec room in 1978 and I'm pretty sure everyone was drunk. It was on Sunday nights and maybe one or two other nights. It was throwback to Fernwood Tonight or cable access. It was silly and bad and really amusing.
But there was a problem. I found that soon friends and family members were sharing my fake Jewish boyfriend. My cousin was a huge fan and I started seeing Andy EVERYWHERE. It was then, when my cousin started emailing me articles about Andy, that I knew our relationship was about over. I knew that I had to move on.
Now, his show is on five nights a week and getting big numbers. Andy's becoming everyone's fake boyfriend! I don't feel he's cheating on me, as I've never met him, he's gay, and I'm not interested in ever spending time with him in person. I just feel like he's no longer my nasty little secret. And that makes me sad.
So, I have to say, enough's enough. I think I'm breaking up with Andy Cohen. But we'll always have Osama Bin Laden. It was Andy who told me that Bin Laden was dead. I remember thinking it was a joke and that he was drunk. But he wasn't. It's a moment, I suppose, I'll always remember.
It's hard to move on from a fake, fake relationship. They're so hard to find and even harder to maintain. Maybe because they aren't real from the get go. But, maybe I'll order a Mazel t-shirt to remember him by. Yet, I don't want to pay. That's real money and that's unacceptable for a fictional relationship.
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