"Llanview Today"- Now That's a Winner of a Talk Show!!

As Katie tanks, I have a great idea. If ABC insists on having talk shows, why not have one that's entertaining. I think they should go back to the old Fernwood Tonight  model and have a talk show hosted by fictional characters in a fictional town.  That was brilliant!! My suggestion- Llanview Today with Viki Buchanan.  Now, that's a winner.

If you're too young or uncool to know the original, it was an absolutely spectacular parody of talk shows with Martin Mull and Fred Willard. They played the Johnny and Ed types, with a serious edge and intelligence challenges, and it took place in fictional Fernwood, Ohio. They had the whacky bandleader and all the crazies in town were their guests. So funny, so smart, and so NOT dated.

OMG, Jerry Hubbard's warning to the aliens...I just can't...give me a moment to compose myself...

Okay, here's my pitch. The problem with Katie is she's so damn smarmy and unlikable. She's like a pixie with an attitude. She's not very bright and certainly not hitting the right spot with the ladyfolk!  They want Oprah fans, they need a woman with some compassion. A woman who cares and who can cry right there with you. I suggest- Viki Buchanan!

Think about it. She's not that cute as she's of a certain age. That's good. She's not a perpetual teenager with a smile epoxied on her annoying face.  She's smart but not intimidating. She's warm and personable, like Oprah. In fact, she's rich as Hell, like Oprah, but not throwing it in your face. She's classy, as well, but not snotty.  She's Oprah with a pedigree.  She's perfect!

Can't you see it? She could interview Carlotta about how it feels to be a single mom and run a diner in a two bit town. She could interview Roxy about her inability to be able to recognize her own children or realize who she had them with...or when...or how many.  She could also interview the psychic chick, regularly, and have her do readings on the audience- made up of all fictional people, as well.

I like it. I'd watch it. Of course, for sweeps, she could interview her nemesis, Dorian Lord, and ask her how it feels to be a lame duck senator. Then, she could do an expose about Dorian's crazy marriage and her husband's flagrant infidelity.  That would be a ratings dynamo!! They could end it with an extreme close up of Dorian, fuming with anger, and attacking David.

Maybe Viki could interview other fictional people from other ABC shows. She could interview Kate about DID and they could cry together, like Oprah did. She could interview Erica Kane about how it feels to be overrated and untalented. She could have on Jesse and Angie and discuss how they stay so fucking cool even as they age.  It's hard to keep a marriage when you're both so tortured but ever so fabulous.

My favorite, of course, would be that very special Llanview Today when she invites her family on to wish her well and Todd and Tina rip into one another for being selfish and one dimensional.  I think that could be a special moment as Viki would have to rip them new ones, lose her cool, and show the audience that she is "one of us". She does lose her patience with her asshole siblings and, at the end, she could look into the camera and tell us how we all have family strife but we get through it because we love one another. And that's all that matters.

She could interview my boyfriend, David Hayward, about how he brings people back from the dead. She could admonish him about his treachery and potential abuse in the guise of being a benefactor.  I can see it now, they could do an extreme close up of her righteous indignation and then cross cut to his smarmy, yet oh so hot, face- looking smug and contrite. Now, that's must-see TV!

She could counsel women who love the wrong men and she could interview Blair. 'Nuff said there, huh? She could hold Blair's hand gently as she cries about how she can't live without Todd and couldn't go through with her marriage to Fatmas.  Viki could comfort her and tell her it's okay, that she just loves too much.

 Meanwhile, they could flash to Viki's GILF of a husband, Clint played by the luscious JVD, ala Dr. Phil's wife, in the audience, nodding his head and dabbing his eyes as he is brought to tears by the tender moment. She could then have Clint speak to Blair about how he often took Viki for granted but now knows better.  They could close in on Viki, looking touched and happy, and to Todd, looking grumpy, as he hates Clint.  But he'd make an effort as he loves Blair, and Viki would embrace him for that.

That's what you want, ABC!! There could be fun as Nigel has a weekly "buttling" segment in how to best serve rich people.  Lois could be on call to serve cookies and maybe show us how to cook them and then explain why she never served the oft-requested pork rinds at Llanfair.  They could easily get their own shows, ala Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz.  There could be infinite potential spin-offs here.

   
We could have "Hooking It Up With Tina" as she interviews all the sluts of ABC Shows. There could be a TMZ-like show produced by Todd and starring Jack.  Oh, there are no limits here.  I love them all.  Maybe Jack could use the Tom Green format..........

 Still so f'in' funny...............Sorry, have to compose myself again.............


That's all you need. You had Fraternity Row and it was brilliant. Now, here's your idea, Frank. Run with it.  I don't even need credit. Just make it happen!

This is all you need- fun, friendship, family, and fiction!  That's the formula. As we all know, reality is too phoney.  Just look at Katie.  Yuck.

Oh, and just because it's too brilliant........

That's a talk show!!!!!!!!!!!