"ABC Legitimizes Valentini's Folly" or "Pink Slips STAT: Suck It, Mob Guys and Your Trolly Chick! There's a New Gang in Town"

I liked both names so much, I couldn't decide which to keep, so there you have it.  It's like a haircut from the 80s or 90s. Professional in the front, snarky and evil in the back.  Yeah,  I was in love with a guy with a mullet back in the day, I admit it!! Who wasn't???

Now, let's talk promos.  Holy Crap!  Can ABC and Valentini's agenda be any more clear?  What happened to GH because I see it's name but I see none of it on those promos. I see their leads being placed in ancillary roles. I'm not using "supporting" as they don't even seem to be important enough for that. I see Sam being John's new "lady" (said in as sleazy and skeevy a way possible.  Be sure to linger on the "l" and talk like a Lounge Lizard. To me, it's Jonathon Brandmeier.To you all, think Will Farrell).

But besides her, the rest are close to irrelevant. Foils to the new leads- Jason and Sonny- or props- Carly.  Get ready, GH Fans, your show is in it's final stages.  Welcome to the "Roger Howarth/Michael Easton Hour with Kristin Alderson, Kelly Monaco, and Kassie DePaiva", brought to you exclusively on ABC Daytime.  Wow, who would have guessed that?  Oh, yeah, me.

Let's take them one at a time.  Here's the John one:

Okay, here's the ladies man with a badge. But he's got one special lady, right? Not that feisty redhead who had his kid and is holding down the fort at home. Nah, not her.  She's back somewhere with that kid and he's too hot to be tied down.  I initially feared this would be the way Todd would go.  Thankfully, that hasn't happened. Todd doing that is unseemly and, well, icky. But that's John's character.  You couldn't see it more clearly.  John McBain, Sex Machine!

Let him introduce you to his BIG friend...his gun.  If you're a bad guy, he'll shoot you and haul you off to the hoosegow.  If you're a hot little lady, he'll let you hold it and caress it.  Cue Sam!!!  That's right.  She's the one with his tongue down her throat. And she's loving it!!  Forget that pesky husband of hers. He's nothing to compare to the shiny power of John's rod. Now, I'm talking about his gun!!!

She's getting some good lovin', isn't she?  Maybe we should call it "McBanging".  I think I may have stolen that. If I did, thank you.  And there's two basic bad guys who are getting the McBain treatment.  I have a feeling Benard and Burton should be calling their agents.  It doesn't look like they have much of a role on OLTL, I mean, GH...I think.

That promo is so explicit,  it's insane.  ABC is saying  "John McBain is the resident hotty on GH and he's the guy all the girls want.  Those Mob guys are over and old and fat and mean.  This is a new day and John McBain is the new rage!!"

It's very, well,  Shaft-like, in the cheesiest of all cheesy ways. I expect to see half naked women asking to be frisked, but he's there giving Sam his all.  And he's got the bullets to prove it.

Now, as blatant that one is, look at Todd's promo. This one blew me off the couch:

Thank you, Howarth, or whoever did this.  You're the dude!! I'm referring to the characterization, not the promo. It's awful.  

Praise God, no Sex Machine here. And I'm basically an Atheist who just likes the ritual cooking of High Holidays! And Jewish men.  But, again, I digress. Thank you, ABC. For that, I'll take a week off  of calling you names.  But only a week!! I don't want you to get spoiled.

So we have new guy Todd Manning with his shirt off. He's funny. That chubby, older lady is laughing at him.  He's trying to outwit the big, bad, old Mob guy because he's crazy.  And, he doesn't like to be nice to people.  So, he's anti-social.  And he's crazy.   He bangs his head against walls. From that part, I could see him as a kind of more entertaining Monk, with a better body.  I mean "Monk" the character played by Tony Shalhoub, not the calling.  Ironically,. Tony Shalhoub is Jonathon Brandmeier's cousin.  Coincidence? Probably. And I listen to too much Johnny B in the mornings on WGN radio in Chicago, available wordwide via app or podcast.  But I digress.

Let's get back to ABC's version of quirky Todd. He's rich. He's crazy. He's funny. He's got zero body fat.  What else does he have? Oh, I know.  A scar.  Yes, he has that scar.  And, what else did he "bring with him"?  Hm. What else?  Let's see. She's tall and blonde and talks with an accent....is it that chubby lady from the beginning? No, not her.  She's not there. Who is that?

Why, of course.  Todd brought with him his broken heart that is filled with love for his former-future-present-whatever wife, Blair.  There she is.  It's Blair.  Todd brought Blair.  How nice of him.  We missed her, as we can see Todd has, as well.

Are you kidding me? That's when I fell off the couch and sat with my mouth hanging open for a good five minutes.  Really? They're putting Blair in the fucking promo?  She's supposedly not even on the show but she's in the promo?  I guess I no longer need to ask "Where's Blair". That's obvious. She's in Todd's heart, on his mind, and well, has been the ghost that walks with him for about two decades now.  Holy crap, ABC, talk about confirming the thoughts of the audience. Why didn't you do this ten years ago and then maybe you'd still have a daytime line up and some ratings?


I can't believe that ABC just confirmed everything I always thought just as they end this fucking genre. Blair defines Todd. KDP actually said that somewhere recently and ABC agrees.  When they are presenting Todd to the mass audience, how do they define him?  By his love for Blair.  I still can't believe it.  ABC got something right.

Still want to claim Blair's not going to be a major force as they continue?  Didn't think so. But, again, never give these guys that much credit.  That's how they get ya!! I'm the idiot who's back to watching every day again. And I hate this show.  Besides Todd, and Starr, and sometimes John and Sam.  And Tracy. But the rest SUCKS!!!

There's a promo for Starr but it's not that interesting.  I don't care but it's about Starr the singer, Starr the girl with daddy issues, blah blah blah.  Again, they're highlighting Howarth as he seems to be ABC's Big Thing.  What a shock....only not.  So, it's "Hey, it's Starr! She's great. And she's Todd's daughter".   'Nuff said.

So, where are the promos for the other guys and that blonde, older, kind of fat lady?  HM,  I didn't see them.  Maybe I missed them. Or maybe I fell asleep while watching them as they are all so dull, drab, and unlikable. I think all three need some serious energy.

I hear they have pills for that in Hollywood. They gave them to Judy Garland so she'd be up.  And lose weight.  Maybe that Carly would like that.  She's drinking a little too much wine, it seems. But it should be perfect for her new job with her friend, Mario Batalli, on The Chew.  This show won't need two Blairs. They're getting a brand, spanking new one. At least, that's what that promo tells me.  

But, hey, I could be wrong. I'll admit it if I am.  It's just weird because so far, I haven't been yet.  And, to be honest, I kind of thought I was full of shit. Guess not.

Oh well. Looks like the little professor from the fly-over state knows her stuff.  They're building it.  We're coming.  Now, WHERE'S VIKI??? Todd's obsessing over her almost as much as he is Blair.  That must mean we'll see her soon.  And, as I said all along, if we see Viki,  it's on!!

Llanfair, here we come!! It'll be nice to go home.  What a long, strange trip it's been.  And Todd looks like he's about to have a breakdown. He must want to go home, too. Or he's listening to the Dead and dropping some acid. I can't tell which it is. But, as long as I get to see Viki, I don't care.