How To Ruin A Soap in One Year: The Craptini Method

Listen, my children, and you shall hear the tale I've been told only took a year. It's about obsession and hubris and a lack of respect. It's about dumbass twats and the destruction they've left. Okay, that's about as good as I get at rhyming and crap poetry. But, hey, what can you do? It's fun. Doctor Seus for the evil set of daytime fans. So, here's my list. How to Ruin a Show in One Year, The Craptini Method: 1) Make Your Leading Man Look Like a Doofus: Look at this: Too Late for Delousing WTH did they do to Easton? He has never looked so bad. He seems happy but I've never seen him look like a complete dweeb....until now. Isn't he supposed to be the sexy one? Isn't he the one who is supposed to be sexing up the Aging Playmate, Monaco? What happened there? He looks like Beeker from The Muppet Show or the other scientist. Or Jerry Lewis from The Nutty Professor. Whatever it is, I ain't got no time for that!! Is this part of the master plan to disguise him as NOT John McBain? Or is there more going on? Is this part of rerunning every story with brief tweeks? Is he now the "special" McBain? Oh, wait, that's Dieter. Which leads to the next point: 2) Try to Use Actors Who Seem to Have Split Loyalty: Badly Needs Delousing AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I hear he doesn't even know his own name. That seems fitting as I also hear Howarth's doing his patented "slow" version of Todd- meaning Special Needs Victor- for Dieter. That's nice...only not. I guess even the actor knows this is retarded so he decided to play it that way. PPSSST- Craptini, Howarth's screwing you!!!! Everyone sees it but you. He's taking your money and doing shit work and then he's being spectacular on the show you tried to kill and it's airing AT THE SAME TIME!!! You morons. That makes your show look like Saved By the Bell....or Mad TV's  version of a soap. Not only is he great there everyday playing the quintessential version of the character that made him popular but I hear he will be going back not just once but over and over and over and you see where this is going? He's showing the audience how bad your show is and selling his. That's not very loyal, huh? But you keep your Big Fish. You know, they often bite the hand that feeds them. And with this new look, he does look like a shark. 3) Feature Actresses Your Audience Hates: Delousing Required ASAP But May Not Be Possible Anymore This is a nobrainer. If you want to ruin a show, you should just make the focal point a young actress with limited ability who everyone that watches your show thinks is horrible. They hate her. Like, really hate her. The names are so mean, even I won't say them. But if you care about this kid, you'll usher her off. They hate her....like a lot....like seriously. And she's not very good. Her whole fanbase now is about 90 people, it seems, at least those who are on twitter. That's all she got interested in "trending" her magnificent return. It was kind of sad. Not only wasn't anyone interested in helping her promote, they hated her return and wish the worst on her. The old fans turned out to be fans of her onscreen parents, I think, or consider her a traitor now. I don't. But I only report the facts. And thems the facts. Ms. Thang may have seen her day.  I can't give this advice enough- a good liberal arts education is needed here. She needs a class in logic STAT! But, I digress. I can't help trying to help. It's the teacher in me. At any rate, only about 90 people RT'd her request to shout out the excitement. That's sad. I have to admit that's a slow day for me here at Addison and I'm a nobody.  Sorry, Ms. Thang, it don't look good for you. Beg, plead, do what you have to do, but get your ass back to Connecticut. And get in line to be deloused right after Howarth. He'll be easier this time. His hair is gone. Maybe you should look into surgical methods. But, maybe you still have a chance. Just be careful- there's danger ahead. What's that sucking I hear? Oh, it's your career heading down the drain. 4) Give the People Nothing of What They Want: Claim you'll feature Vets and old stories people want. Announce you're bringing back Vets for said storylines. Then, when they appear, make them unrecognizable, backburner them, destroy them, and then usher them off in disgrace.That's a winning formula for destruction. You don't have time for the stars of this show. You need to focus on stars of other shows and try to recreate them. That's the idea. Shit on what you have while you try to get back what you lost. That's normal.......only not. 5) Focus Your Show on A Condiment as Opposed to Real Stories: What else can be said about this? If you want to ruin a show, this is how to do it. Remember the great Ketchup storyline on AMC? Or the fabulous Salsa days event on DOOL? You don't? Know why? Because they didn't exist!!! Because they're stupid. I do remember a pie making contest on OLTL when it's network days were running out. Guess who wrote that crap? I'll clue you in- NIMNUTS!! He seems to be obsessed with food themes on shows. Maybe he should eat more and leave the food out of the scripts. I love how my funny recapper is calling Dieter "Mustard Man"!! Now that's clever. Pay attention, Nimnuts. That's smart snark as opposed to having an intern near Dieter named Todd. That's stupid and petty and shows how bitter you are. But I digress. So Dieter- or Special Needs Franco as I'm seeing him be called, SNF for short- is a "condiment saboteur" as my recapper says. WOW!! High drama. I can't believe I missed that action on the same day Victor tried to kill Todd again by pulling some creepy Ninja move and Todd went down-in a nonsexual way- and Jack found him. I can't believe I was watching that psycho brotherly drama when I could have been watching Slow Franco spike the relish and make that cow, Mario Batalli, vomit. I'm so sorry I missed it...only not. How could I have been riveted to the sibling rivalry going off the rails and the re-emergence of the father/son relationship as Todd lays lifeless on the ground when I could have been watched SNF spike the relish? How could I be interested in watching Victor  admit he tried to poison Todd as Todd gasps for air and then Victor strangles him, leaves him for dead, and tells him to burn in Hell? I could be watching talk show hosts vomit due to the Mustard Man's misdeeds. I must be stupid. The fascination with this crap is brilliant. It's by far the best way I've ever seen anyone tank a show. And it works so quickly. Especially when you add it to this slick move: 6) Have as Special Guests the Cast of the Show That Tanked the Form You Allegedly Want to Save: Oh, God, need I explain? Soap fans hate The Chew, in general. And you're using them for sweeps? What? And no one is more nauseating physically than Mario Batalli. He's fat and sweaty and orange and everything that's NOT sexy. Oh, but that's the idea. You made your appealing leading men really icky, too. See above. Dieter is icky.  Whoever the other guy is is icky. They didn't look too bad before. Howarth still looks okay as Todd. I guess this is the new strategy. Ugly people all the time. Turn off the audience and give them bad stories. I get it. Here's more evidence of that: Delousing No Longer an Option and this: 7) Become an Object of Fun for Those You Tried to Destroy Who are Kicking Your Ass: This was RT'd by the official OLTL Twitter account and actors: imasoapfan ‏@imasoapfan 2h  Symptoms of arsenic poisoning: blondening of hair, red shoelaces, becoming a relish poisoner. #OLTL #GH Now that's bad. Really bad. It means they're laughing at how bad your show is and the audience and actors are joining in. That means you're the loser....get it? But if you really want to tank your show, this is the best way: 8) Let the Writer with the Attitude Problem Respond to the Audience: I never thought that Nimnuts could outdo his notorious tweet to the OLTL fan that started all the fun. This was when the fan was complaining and he responded thusly:  "Maybe this show isn't for you".  Allrighty then. I guess not. But, ya know what, no audience, no show. It seems that no one thinks this show is for them. It's universally hated.  And, I guess, it's getting under Nimnut's thin skin. I saw this today: Steve Eaves ‏@DaNkInator 47m @carlivatiron You deserve mad props for making #GH completely unwatchable during May sweeps. What is this garbage Ron Carlivati Ron Carlivati ‏@carlivatiron 2h @DaNkInator Get a life, Steve.  OMG, someone get him off the computer. If he wants Steve to get a life, I'm sure he will. You're pushing him to it. And if Steve gets a life, he'll be too busy to watch your stupid show. Again, logic, Dumbass- no viewers, no show, no job, no money, no life for you. I predict Steve will get a life. A good one. It might be "One Life" and he'll live it. On Hulu. If I knew who Steve was, I'd tell him myself. But if any of you do, give him the message from me. I don't tweet. I'm a twat who knows better. Unlike Nimnuts.